Blog entry for:

i feel in my life, is often the result of acting in a manner that violated my values and the spiritual principles i have learned as a result of staying clean and living an active program of recovery. those values and principles, could quite easily be described as the will of a the POWER that fuels my recovery, GOD's will, if i choose to frame it in the vernacular of the fellowship that has given me the opportunity to be here, now. in these times where intolerance, racism and blame-shifting seem all the rage and where spiritually principled people support the politics of hate, it is often tough for me to DESIRE to live a life according to principles, when the alternative would certainly be the easier, softer way. i am grateful that i have been given a process that allows me to review and digest my actions, attitudes and thoughts, on a daily basis. i CHOOSE to make that practice a part of my daily routine, because of the serenity it provides me, even when i uncover that i have not been as principle-based as i would like to be. that daily “gut check,” allows me the FREEDOM to be who i will be.
quite honestly, i had to pause here and consider where this exercise was taking me, listen for GOD's “will” before going on. what i keep coming back to, is what i am feeling about the sponsee who sent me a message to “get in touch with him.” ever since he relapsed, nearly a month ago, i have been torn about my feelings and thoughts concerning him and our relationship. the driving force now, is that when he had his physical freedom he did nothing to find his way back to recovery, and now that he has to detox behind bars, he is all over needing to “talk to me.” he is not the first man who called me his sponsor to act with such blatant disrespect for me and i am angry, hurt and yes feeling more than a bit of “F*CK YOU A**HOLE!! figure this SH*T out yourself,” attitude. which cause all kinds of dissonance. i know that shooting the wounded is not what i was taught to do. forgiving and returning to a place where i can carry a message of HOPE and FREEDOM is where i am “supposed” to be feeling. i have yet to arrive there and the way i feel right now, pit may be some time before i do so. i do know that i NEED to honor his request to give him the means to contact me, and that means i will be composing a letter, later today.i know that feigning kindness, compassion and forgiveness, is not where i need to be. spewing my current feelings of anger and disrespect in that missive, is also not the way to go. over the course of this day, i will allow the POWER that fuels my recovery, to give me what i need to find the words i need to write and the willingness to accept what may come back. it is a good day to be clean and time to start the slide down to work, or not, we will see what happens when i get out of the shower.

∞ DT ∞