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...of a Higher Power for me, and i in turn have been in tune with the world around me. this happens more often then i publicly admit. somewhere down the line i picked up on the idea of humility means downplaying my achievements. i know that this is quite a stretch from the way my fellowship defines humility, but not only do i practice this bizarre manner of living, i see it all around me, and i have come to the conclusion that this behavior is just another form of people pleasing.
i get that if i say i have four thousand one hundred and eighty two days in a row clean, i may hurt someone’s feelings. but the flip side to that, is i may give a newcomer HOPE that they can do this gig and achieve that same number of days in a row and more. i also get, that if i share about how in tune with the world i have been lately, how little i have been stumbling across my character defects, and how easy things seem to be coming to me, at this point in my recovery, it may come off as some sort of bragging. so instead i focus on sharing the troubles and turmoils i am going through and downplay the good things,. after all, i do not want to give someone the impression that life in recovery can be better than anything that i have known in the past, because maybe for them is is not. gawd, how much more twisted can i make this.
so what am i feeling right now? well first off, the time has come, to come clean in my sharing. i share my triumphs as well as my turmoils and if the feelings of someone else are bruised by that, than they need to go chat with their sponsor. secondly, the time has come for me to be me. yes i act-out in self-will, and i do so on a daily basis, BUT i also am also aligned with my TRUE will as well as the will of a HIGHER POWER for me, most of the time these days. no i am not some sort of saint, but i am not some sort of demon either, and the time has come to share like something in between. and finally, i am pissed off, at myself, for falling into the whole false humility trap. nothing that thirty minutes of pounding the pavement will not cure, but certainly something to be aware of, and something to let go of today. after all, life in recovery is all about uncovering the truth about me, myself and i, and how i interact and react with the world around me. although i do not always find gems sparkling in the dark as progress on this journey, i do uncover nuggets of truth, so this latest one needs to be looked at, explored and put into context, then i can move on, and i think that is what i will do.

∞ DT ∞