Blog entry for:

fear, anger, guilt, self-pity, or depression. nope, not at all, i am all good here, nothing to see, move along.
yes, that is exactly how i feel from time to time, and this morning what i have on my mind, is yet another mirror behavior from my recalcitrant friend.
anyhow, my friend will be spending another birthday in custody. i was considering doing something nice, such as ordering him an overprices, low value care package, to arrive on or near that day. yes i thought it would be a nice gesture and a surprise. well, lo and behold, i got a letter from him yesterday, where he did everything he could into manipulating me into sending him that package, except come right out and ask me. my reaction? FVCK YOU!
not the most spiritual of reactions, but certainly appropriate.my dilemma, which i will need to definitely listen for, is do i follow through on what i was going to do, even though it could be interpreted by him as a reward for his incessant whining and manipulative behavior? or do i take this as a teaching opportunity and let him know that he just screwed himself over royally?
questions, questions, questions, and answers that have yet to be revealed to me. this is thought i had when i fell asleep last night. this is the thought that came out of my morning meditation, and this is the thought that i will have in my head in the thirty minute drive to my place of gainful employment. even when i finally let it go, in an hour or so, it will be rolling around under the covers, and i am more than certain, the CORRECT answer will be revealed.
where is self-will in this matter and where is the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, is certainly and interesting line to ponder. yes, it pisses me off, that he stole my thunder by asking for it, no matter how manipulative and duplicitous he was in the asking. what i need to do is let go of his sh!t, and there is a whole bunch in this matter, and concentrate on mine. am i really resistant to doing what i intended to do all along, because he asked or is it because now i do not have the chance to do something nice for someone without them knowing? spiritually, my grand gesture now smacks of self-will run riot and a ploy to make myself look better in the eyes of someone else. talk about manipulative and duplicitous!
so as i write that out, the picture in my head is forming of what i need to do, and what my motives were in the first place. self-will may have given another person, something they really desired, but the ego behind it was to show that no matter what a piece of sh!t someone treated me like, i can be forgiving and gracious, how fVcking Ghandi-esque. yes great work when one can get it, my anger ids not in him acting exactly as he is prone to do, but not being able to look better that i am feeling, playing to the balcony with a grand and sweeping gesture. i see what my next course of action needs to be and of course now that sucks to be me, 'cuz now the choice has been taken away, or at least in my narrow minded self-willed view of things as they are today.
so feeling better it is time to move on and head on out to work. it is a great day to be clean and DAMMIT do the next right thing.

∞ DT ∞