Blog entry for:

well, there was a fleeting thought that i may need to apologize for my very political entry yesterday. fleeting is the correct term, and as when i ran it through my daily inventory i realized that anthologizing for who i am and what i feel, would be worse that spewing out some political, correct or not, leanings and musings. i am tired of pretending to be what i am not and in my mind, pretending to be something i am not, is not part of being a “winner.”
now for clunky segue into the part of this topic.
unfortunately, the way i see it, if there are winners, than there also need to be losers. which than seems to imply, that recovery is a competitive sport and the measurement of the winners and losers are done each and every time i show up for a meeting or hang with a group of my peers. i am not quite sure that i am comfortable with that sort twist of my life in recovery. yeah, this is the same guy who secretly used to revel in the fact that when i want to a meeting i often had more clean time than just about everyone in the room. yeah this is the guy, who used to beat the men he sponsored senseless with the literature and the “correct” way to take the steps. yes, this is the same guy, that though he knew the TRUTH and was willing to dispense it out, as if i was some wise old sage that one made a pilgrimages to come and listen to. now as i approach the end of another calendar year, still clean, and now a bit more successful and confident of who and what i am, i see all of that is the window dressing and camouflage to hide my insecurities and inadequacies, namely the “loser” parts of who i can be. just as a presidential candidate that shares my first name, i can be a bully, and when called out on it, i can also stick out my lip, pout and say “fine, i am going take all my marbles and go home, see how much fun you have after that happens!”
so if winners and losers is not quite how i want to describe the role models for me in my recovery, and it is not, than how do i separate those two groups. the reading answers that directly. after perusing the litany of traits that are indicative of being a winner, i certainly say that today and most days, i do demonstrate some or even most of them. as a result, i am clean today and could be seen as being a winner, as could most of my peers. if i choose to use? what makes my peers and i winners, and not losers, is that all of us are clean today, and most of us, are doing their level best to live a program of active recovery. the only losers as i see it, is those who decide that they just may be an addict, but this recovery gig is too hard, so a quick trip into chemical bliss, every now and again, is just what the doctor ordered. those who fall into this group, know what they can get, and can make a fairly rational decision right up to the time they decide that relief is just a swallow away. the HOPE here is, that they know where the winners are and how they too, can be one of those winners and not one of the whiners.
part of being on the correct side of this dichotomy is doing the next right thing. for me, right here and right now, it is time to get cleaned up and head on down to work, after all, they will not keep paying me if i do not show up and the lifestyle i have come to enjoy living, requires that i have a steady source of funding, after all it is nice not to be sleeping on someone's couch or in my car, have lights and heat, and a few extra coins, so i can enjoy a cigar, every now and again. after all, that too, is part of demonstrating a way of living, beyond my wildest dreams, just for today.

∞ DT ∞