Blog entry for:

...life became, well interesting to say the least! it has been said that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so i guess once i FINALLY accepted that recovery was the way to go for i flattered the hell out of those i considered the winners. although my definition of winners was in need of a major overhaul. way back then, i looked at different forms of success as a definition of who was a winner and missed the point, that what i really wanted was what those who were in active recovery had achieved. it took what it took, and at least i GOT to see all sorts of different things on my journey of discovering who the REAL winners are in the fellowship.
lots of stuff ran through my mind this morning when i attempted to quiet the inner conversation, and emulating winners was only the tip of the iceberg.
the first thing that i realized was this was the reading where the notion of the three states that i can be in came from. you know active recovery, untreated addiction and active addiction. it is quite evident that i spent the better part of my first two years in untreated addiction, even though i was doing what i saw the winners doing, going to meetings, doing service work, working with a sponsor, and so on. the first thirteen months i spent trying my best to disqualify myself from the winners' circle. the next six months i spent trying to look like a winner, even though i was living in the hell of self-will. the fact that i am still clean today, and i did not use is the most amazing part of my story, like the sponsee i met with the other day, I KNEW that i needed something more, but i did not want to do whatever it took to make recovery my first priority. he may or may not GET what i GOT, the desire to be more than i was and am, BUT when i came back from that quiet place this morning i felt that i had to have the FAITH to continue to work with him, at least for right now. my job is not to judge, but to be there and see what happens. even though my head tells me, that once again he will balk when the time comes to do what it takes to move into the next phase of recovery, my heart tells me to give him a chance.
the next thing on my mind, was this whole Christmas gig, and the fact that i better get moving on my gift list. the part of me that i call my addict, tells me to show off and make grand gestures, the part of me that is my FEAR, tells me to give nothing except to those closest to me. the winner within? well that part says do what i can do and admit what i cannot, there are bigger fish to fry.
finally and most importantly i felt loved, and like returning that love. strange as it may sound, one of the things i saw in the winners from the very first day, was the ease in each they moved through love, they were capable of giving and receiving love, and did not need to attach strings to either side of those transactions. for me, allowing myself to be loved was a symptom of being weak and opened a can of worms that always created more troubles than it was worth, after all,if i opened myself up to be loved, i also opened myself up to the pain and turmoil that relationships of this nature can bring. it was better to be an island. when i gave love, i had all sorts of expectations that were beyond the capability of any human being to fulfill, so that too, was a losing proposition. in my zero sum analysis, it was better to leave the whole love thing up to others and keep myself secure in my own little cocoon of selfish indifference.
that attitude can still crop up in my head, THE ONLY WEAPON i have against is my experience since i decided that i too, wanted to BE a winner and not just look like one. yes there is pain and turmoil, but the rewards u have received are much greater than than those so-called pitfalls. my zero sum calculation formula has been altered beyond recognition and now requires differential equations to solve. yes i CAN do the calculation BUT it is not worth the effort. what i heard today was to surrender to the FAITH that giving and receiving love is something i can do on FAITH and FAITH alone, i have much bigger fish to fry with my so-called rationality. so on that note i will sign-off by saying that there is work for me to do, bills for me to pay and more than one thing i need to get rolling before this day ends. it is an excellent day to once again have the desire to be more than i was yesterday and the path for me, is to do my best to live in active recovery today.

∞ DT ∞