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to the best of my ability, i am a winner!
this is not the first time i have read this reading, many times across the course of my recovery, it was just what i NEEDED to read, as i was certainly not feeling like a winner at all. this morning, this just happened to be on of those times. i have been down on myself, blowing things up and feeling angst about not being as good or as diligent as i could be about my recovery program or my life in general. i know what is going on: the final push through my SIXTH STEP, and as i become entirely willing, i get more and more evidence of how my defects or defect of character is coloring my life, my recovery and my general well-being. this always seems to happen as i approach the final stage of this step, but knowing and actually accepting are two different events in a process as life-changing as STEP SIX.
this morning, as i was quietly listening, i heard that i am not doing as poorly as i think i am. i have blown my actions out of proportion and taken on the sh!t, that rightly belongs elsewhere, with the real owners. which is how the part of me i call addiction, operates. surrender, acceptance and growth are not pain-free experiences for me, and no matter how much i want to deny it, i hate any pain, no matter how freeing that experience will be. honestly, what i heard this morning is that i am doing better than i have been feeling and the ills of the world do not rest upon my shoulders. i take on this crap, to weigh down my spirit and to distract me from the task at hand, which is NOT saving the world from me.
ironically, as i was talking to another addict this yesterday, we discussed what working his program of recovery may look like for him. as i move forward into this day, i must remember that yes, i do have a program and although it is based on the program of recovery offered by the fellowship that has given me this new way of living, it is not THE program of that fellowship. i am a fairly strict adherent of the program that i was introduced to, all those days ago, but no matter how strictly i live that program, there is always room for growth and there are more than a few ideas that i need to reopen my mind to and look at with a fresh set of eyes, to use more than a few clichés in a very mixed metaphor.
where does all this leave me? well it leaves me in a spot, where i am ready to walk forward into today, carrying with me the notion, that while i am not yet perfect, the chances are good i will never be prefect. even though i may act-out on the least savory aspects of myself, most of the time, i act on my assets when given the choice. in fact, most of the time, i do the next right thing, without even thinking about it. just because i have been a sh!t, does not mean that i have to remain a sh!t. just because i have been pissed off, does not mean i have to build a new resentment. just because i feel guilty over some of my actions, does not mean i have to manufacture shame. all of those are options and viable as they mat feel from time to time, none of them are options i wish to choose for myself today, at least in the here and now. life does go on, i can get better and one day at a time, i can do whatever it takes to be a winner and not the loser i want to tell myself i am, after all, i am clean today and willing to do whatever it takes to stay that way.

∞ DT ∞