Blog entry for:

to fulfilling my ideals, means that even when i miss something i need not beat myself up, for very long anyhow. once again, the anniversary of the day my friend took his own life, passed by without any notice. as hard as it may be for me to admit, perhaps what i thought i felt for my friend and peer, was not as deep and binding as i would have liked it to be. the reality is, twice i have the allowed the day to pass by, without any notice and twice now i feel remorse for doing so. Brian M, my friend, as i feel remorse for once again missing the anniversary of your transition to another phase in your spiritual journey, i wonder what it will take to keep your memory alive for me.
as i move into today, the realization that maybe what i think i “should” feel and what i do feel, is something i NEED to accept. shaming myself for living life and blaming myself for being unable to “rescue” someone, are not symptoms of being any sort of winner. no they are more like symptoms of being a self-pitying whiner. of course owning that as well, is certainly not a bright and cheery way to get started on my day. of course on this day when the topic is all about emulating the “winners,” i get to wrote about how much i do not do so. this is certainly a “half-full” sort of feeling this morning and perhaps instead of lamenting how terrible i am, i need to just move along and get rolling down the road to work. it is a good day to be clean and fifteen days without nicotine, is certainly something to celebrate as well.

∞ DT ∞