Blog entry for:

fulfill my ideals certainly feels like the next right thing to do today. this morning, as i sat, i kept going back to those whom happen to have their lives shrouded in the fog of active addiction or at least give the appearance of doing so. yesterday was a sad day for me, as it was the anniversary of a friend's decision to take his own life. Brian M never could get the past the stigma of his mental health issues and the shame he felt after those in the fellowship witnessed his break from reality. i certainly gave him what i had and as the results show, it was not enough. as much as i want to take the blame for not helping him to find a path back to a place he once belonged, i know that is not on me. that does not assuage my feelings of grief nor does it make me feel any better, it is simply a fact. so when i reached out to another friend and peer in recovery yesterday, i was surprised and saddened by their response. i am not sure what that response may or may not mean, but my suspicions is that it is not good and hopefully i will hear more today.
it is easy fro me to become complacent about the life i have today. it has been so long since i had the desire to use, that i forget what that feels like. i have a job that pays well and a career path that allows me to do what i want to do. i have a bit of recovery, a sense of who i am and a growing feeling of loving respect for myself. fore me, living an active program of recovery is a no-brainer. sure, pride and ego have kept me clean when my program was slacking and still plays a huge role in my choice to stay clean today, BUT after i make that choice, recovery kicks in and i start to choose to live in the manner that i see my peers living in. i am not overjoyed to call myself a “winner” these days, BUT, and that is a giant one, i iz one, just for today. i can go down the self-deprecating path of false humility or cross over into conceit and take all the credit for where i am, those are both familiar. today, as i step out into the real world, i CHOOSE allow myself the FREEDOM to live on the very this line between those two alternatives. i am clean today, i choose to do the next right thing and i am grateful i have a supportive group of peers who can help me release the shame of my past and welcome me into the fold. who knows whether or not my efforts to reach out will bring the response i desire, that is out of my hands and part of allowing the process to do its magic. time to make the donuts!

∞ DT ∞