Blog entry for:

just for today IS certainly be a symptom of being a winner. walking away from a situation where the other party has to be in control and is unable to see the damage they are doing, is yet another. i do not respond well to being dismissed, ignored, trivialized and patronized. lately, one of my peers, has continually pounded me with that litany of sins and i do not see it ending any time soon. i may not “get” what it means to be truly marginalized, but i am certainly getting a taste of that now. staying clean, however is not enough for this addict and the manner in which i have been treated over the past week, leads me to a place where i get to examine how i am treating others, including my seemingly over-controlling and duplicitous peer and alter my own behavior accordingly.
seeing who the “winners” may or may not be, in a fellowship full of addicts, has often led me astray. a year ago, as i was beginning to see myself for who i was and getting a glimpse into how i lived the lie that was my life, i might have said i was a winner, but i certainly did not feel like one. everyone else was more of a “winner” than i was and all i had going for me, was a number of consecutive days clean. when i fell into the compare and contrast my life with those of my peers trap, i always lost. today, as i start down that path, i can honestly say that i “win” by stopping that descent into the first circle of my personal hell. i read the writing on the wall and it says “lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate (all hope abandon ye who enter here).”
this morning, i am in a space of forgiving and attempting to believe that they are doing the best with what they have. there were many questions that used to arise in my mind when i considered their story, that have now been answered, in spades, as the saying goes. it may not be my place to call anyone else out, but it is certainly my place to limit the damage they can inflict upon me, by removing myself from the situation. i get to “win” by letting go and surrendering to my own powerlessness in this situation, by claiming the power i do have and doing something with that power. some may expect an apology when treated in that manner, and if i am the offending party, most of the time when i pull my head out of my ass, i make thing right. i do not expect to ever hear any sort of sincere or honest admission from my peer and will not allow them to consume any more space in my head, just for today. i get to “win” even though things did not turn out the way i would have desired them to go. 🤔

∞ DT ∞