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an active program of recovery, certainly could qualify me as a **winner.** one benefit of this whole pandemic lock-down and the steps i have to take to protect my privilege of seeing my aging parents, is that i do not have to hear one of my peers, complain about how this reading upsets them, as it seems to divide the fellowship into two distinct groups. in my opinion, what i hear in this reading, is not a division of the fellowship, but a means of gauging how close i can get to the ideal of a being a winner, rather than a scale of haw “bad” i am doing this recovery gig. when i look to see how well i am living an active program, just for today, i see that i fall short in many respects as well as excel. on the scale of winners and losers, i am somewhere in the middle.
this morning, i am okay with not being the perfect representation of a recovering addict. i do my best to implement the program in my daily life and when i sit at the end of my day, i often uncover more successes than failures. it is true, that i have to use a calendar app to remember the anniversary of the suicide of my friend Brian M and beat myself soundly about my spiritual head and shoulders about missing that once again, until the reminder popped up on my phone. life has moved on for me, and as i deal with my job going away, the political turmoil of the world around me, my part in the racial injustice that is endemic and doing the next right thing, i can manufacture all the excuses i need to create, to keep myself from seeing that i do not seem to care as much as i think i SHOULD. that old adage, out of sight, out of minds certainly applies and as much as i have the DESIRE to live up to being one who remembers, the fact is, i do not. my life goes on and honoring my friend Brian just does not pop to the top of the stack without an outside stimulus. it is what it is and i am who i am.
the question that i felt this morning, was how well am i living a program of active recovery, these days? my days are not filled with regret over the past and the anxiety i feel about what tomorrow may bring, does not paralyze me with fear. i live a life that takes in to consideration the needs of those who surround me, and i do not put myself first or last when considering my own needs. i am coming to terms with who i am and allowing the world around me, to show me what i need to be better at doing. i find comfort in the meetings i do manage to attend and maintain the relationships i have built over the course of my recovery, without having to dominate or placate anyone. most of all, i have stopped classifying my peers, as winners or losers, as i have come to believe that a day clean is a day won. all in all, certainly symptoms of one of those who are doing this gig, just for today. as i step out into this frosty morning to get my miles in, before the weather moves in, i can be okay seeing myself as a winner and do my best to live up to ask “What Would a Winner Do,” just for today.
the issues i may have with the peer, i started off this little exercise with, are just one more thing i can certainly do a bit better at letting go of. i have enough to do in my very full life, without carrying the burden of what they may or may not be.

∞ DT ∞