Blog entry for:

the same path, as everyone else.
ah, take two, i may have hosed something yesterday, when i was mucking around. we will see soon enough.
so what do i owe the pleasure of being in the collection mode for my sponsees, these days. probably the loving and patient guidance of the best sponse in the world:

Carlos G,
Thank you for all your time and effort.
I am glad you stuck with me.

way back when i started this round of this step cycle, my sponse suggested that it was time to change the manner in which i did service to the fellowship that is my home. i was far from resistant to his suggestion, as i had served on committee after committee on nearly all levels of the service structure. his suggestion to move into a “stealth” mode of serving the fellowship seemed to dovetail quite nicely with the theme of this step cycle ⇝ finding my identity in society and more importantly in the fellowship. as i soon uncovered, my identity as a person and a recovering addict was entangled with the service i was performing, not that much different than defining myself by my job. as i went through STEPS SIX and SEVEN,m i saw that i had inflated my value as a member, at least in my own head and decoupling who i was from how i served was what was needed to return to a state of just another addict. i believed i was different and that if i did not serve, the fellowship would wither and die. being humbled by this revelation i now see that service was a conceit for me and that when i carried the message it was not unlike “word from on high.” in fact i even begin to see that just as a good deed loses its humility when i share about it, my service was far from doing something, just because it was the next right thing. sure, during this process of changing how i served and how i shared about it, my self-esteem took a giant hit. in the end, however, as i sit here trying to tie up the loose ends of my 12TH STEP, i realize that was a crutch and just being a member, who serves was far more important than being THE SERVING MEMBER, stuff still got done, the fellowship still thrived and i learned that carrying a message was easier when i was just “one of the boyz.”
humility is replacing arrogance and conceit and my self-esteem is more genuine these days than it was in the past. it is not my visible service efforts that give me value, it is just doing the next right thing, because it feels like the next right thing to do.
as i become less concerned about how i look and more concerned about how to be of service to my peers, i am transformed into more of the person i have always wanted to be. i also know that when i am approachable and willing to put my faults, foibles and fears on the table, i am better carrying a message of HOPE to the still suffering, whether or not they are the newest of the new or someone with significant clean time. i still have FAITH that by not limiting myself to a fixed number of men i sponsor, i will not be overwhelmed, as they are never all needy, sick or ready to do step work at the same time. thanks to my sponse, i am happier, healthier and perhaps ready to return to service at the committee level, or not, just for today

∞ DT ∞