Blog entry for:

i have been given is freedom from active addiction, certainly not FREEDOM from making a mistakes.oh the joy of the fantasy of being perfect. truthfully, i was flawless and more than perfect when i walked into the rooms, and would said so, to everyone, quite loudly and with great panache. i only became less than perfect as a result of coming to the rooms and working a set of steps. in fact most of the time, one might hear me say that it was the fellowship that made me an addict, after all i had built a very strong and sturdy wall of denial and self-respect, self-esteem, and perfection, or lack thereof, were not even issues i considered as being valid, for quite some time. so being perfect was certainly something that i was and far from being an issue.
it was not the fellowship that uncovered my insecurities about not being perfect, it was the fellowship that stripped of my fantastical illusions. once i stood naked in front of myself, i was more than a bit perturbed and confused. i had two choices, live the program or return to using, as that state of being was intolerable and unacceptable to me. looking at this issue through the lens of many days clean and a few sets of steps, i see that my illusions protected me from the reality of my situation, namely that i am a flawed human being no better or worse than any other human being. i am okay with that revelation today, as it allows me to walk with confidence in the light of recovery.
not perfect, means that i make a mistake or three, every single day. the alternative, living in a limited world, where i am constrained from making any mistakes is not acceptable to me today, nor is returning to the womb of my denial and illusions. so like it or not, i am stuck being less than perfect and accepting that mistakes are my normal course of action. right here and right now? time to run for some coffee and figure out what is going wrong with one of our processes. life is like that issues, problems and fire drills, my task is to solve what i can and move along.

∞ DT ∞