Blog entry for:

that i sometimes take for granted, my recovery and my FAITH in a 12 STEP program that has given me this new manner in which to live. quite a mouthful, for sure. the reading speaks to having FAITH in a POWER greater than my addiction to love and care for me. i may not have any major issues with that notion, BUT, from time to time, i get a bit perturbed that the literature seems to discount my own effort to stay clean and to implement it in my life. my peers speak of the “miracle” of recovery and of being “GOD-struck” and i often use that to isolate and differentiate myself from them, as i am not of the same mind-set. this little exercise is not about how different i am, nor about whether or not my recovery is “GOD given,” as there are many ways in which my attitude towards my gift of recovery, can slide down the scale into a place of an entitlement.
i often speak of how i got to the rooms and how someone like me, should have never made it. if i had continued down my path of end-stage addiction, i would have ended up homeless, jobless and a frequent visitor to local jail. the chain of events that led me to recovery are certainly not miraculous at all. i was dealing with less than savory characters, that were willing to sell me out, to save their own asses. the fact that i “stuck” with the program, is in and of itself a testament to my pig-headed stubbornness as well as more than a bit of gratitude for the gifts i had received in my early recovery. it was quite a feat to stay clean and develop a daily program of recovery, a recovery ritual, that permitted the FREEDOM to find my spiritual path and become a member, and i am grateful today, that no one gave up on me, back in those dank and dreary days.
which brings me back to the topic at hand, gratitude! when i get down to brass tacks, i often give little credit to the POWER that fuels my recovery and the fellowship that saved my life, even before i thought it was worth saving. sure i took a bunch of suggestions, worked steps, did service and became active in the fellowship, but there is something more that fuels my desire to stay clean today. i learn what i need to learn, when i keep my eyes open and stay present. i have the opportunity on a daily basis to get what i need, but i have to allow those opportunities to be manifest in my life. i have found a spiritual path that does not require predestination nor the impossible to become reality. how i express that to my peers is quite a tricky proposition. how i express gratitude for that gift, is no less of a sticky wicket. what it comes down to, is this: i have FAITH in the recovery program that has brought me this far, and that IF i do what i was taught to do, way back when, i GET another day clean. through my efforts and surrender to that program, i get to live in active recovery and when i forget that, i am certainly doomed to spin down to places i choose not to go, just for today.

∞ DT ∞