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i think it will take to make anyone else tell me that i am okay, i can certainly speak to being and doing whatever to fit in and gain acceptance for others, been there done that and got the T-shirt. i can also speak confidently and assuredly about how that sort of behavior became less and less desirable as i stayed clean and learned to work a program of recovery. so far so good, i am parroting the party line, what does disturb me, is when my peer speak of about the feelings they get when they selflessly server others, do good deeds or just act like the other 85% of the world. that disturbs me, because i wonder that if i am doing what i do, just so i can speak of those various elements of my life and get “bonus points” from my peers and a boost in my self-esteem, from their reactions to all of my “good” works.
one of my ancient and very familiar behaviors, is bragging about what i have done. my low self-esteem, turned everything i did into a contest that i was determined to win. i could be the baddest or the most holy hombre i needed to be, just to beat out whomever i happened to be with, in that slice of time. life was a contest and i was damned if i was going to let ANYONE know that i was losing. although it would be wonderful world if somehow that NEED got removed for me the moment i stepped into the rooms, got clean and became a member, the facts are that it did not. so when i hear others speaking of their good works and the rush that it gives them, i trip back to how sharing about my good works makes me feel.
when i serve others, do something nice for someone else, or just flat out do a good deed, i do feel better about myself. when i share about any or all of those, i am banking on the approval of others to make me feel better than myself. using that filter, when i hear my peers share about their good works, i instantly wonder WTF they are are hiding, because that is how i operate. the fact is, i really do not know what their motives may be, but i certainly know mine and projecting my motives on to them, and painting them with the same broad brush of “after all, WE are all the same,” allows me to win this round of the contest and feel better about myself. quite the long and winding road, to self-acceptance. okay, i have embrace the cynical and dark, for balance where is the light?
as i stay clean and learn to live a program of recovery, i do feel better when i just do “good works,” without having to share about them. there is no superior smugness to being discrete about that and i have learned to shutdown the judgement machine, most of the time. why someone else shares about the light they bring to the world is not my stuff. letting go of what i think i know about that sort of share, is certainly a better way for me to go, and i am certainly getting better at it. i may no longer flat-out people-please, but that does not mean that i am free from seeking the approval of others to validate who i think i am. progress in become self-assured and boosting my self-esteem through my own actions, is certainly evident in my life and that journey is well under way. i WANT to look better, because i AM better and no longer hide behind the façade of:“i serve because i am so freaking spiritual.”

∞ DT ∞