Blog entry for:

to be found in some of my peers and associates, or at least that was my opinion, several hours ago, when i was renting too much space to someone in my head. i really hate when i cannot let something go, especially when it is not my stuff. i also discovered i had fallen into the two asshole trap, as the second so-called asshole was more than likely not, i just perceived them, to be. a closed mind dwelling on the behaviors or lack thereof of others will do that, eat least that is the case for this addict. when all is said and done, letting go is a whole lot kinder to me, than waiting for the amends that will never be coming, after all, like me, i am quite certain that my peer can justify all sorts of crazy self-centered behaviors. i may be owed something, but just for right now, i have decided that holding my breath, waiting for it to pass, is not what i care to do.

Aaron F.
Eleven (11) years clean!
Congrats my friend ⇛ to infinity and beyond!

moving on, yes i have been afraid of the change brought upon a group as it becomes more diverse. i have had a closed ,=mind and my greatest fear was that somehow the message that the group carries would be diluted and weakened in some way, bi those who did not look, think and act just like me. i have learned that that fear is baseless and groundless and was just playing to my prejudices and biases. i am not so insane as to say i have neither prejudice or bias, i accept that i do and that it is my job to take those i encounter out of the boxes my prejudice and bias throws them into. if i want to recover, i have to stop look at the messenger and listen for the message.
what i learned about myself over the past twenty-four hours is that seeing a peer act so self-centered and over-entitled that they decide it is all about them was embarrassing and yes even a bit humiliating, even though it had nothing to do with me. i took on the consequences of someone else's bad behaviors and owned as if they were my own. my anger was all about me, and me being self-centered and self-entitled. because that is the sort of behavior i would like to engage in again, but do not allow myself the freedom to do so. basically i want to be that pile if steaming dung and when i go there, i stop myself, because i do not want to deal with it on my daily inventory. for me, the easier softer was is to stop dead in my tracks and walk away, rather than having to go back later and admit i was wrong. i hate to admit i am ever wrong, that i know for a fact, so preventing having to do so, is the easier softer way.
as i spend the rest of the day obsessing about getting 20,000 steps before i sit down to pizza, good company and maybe a decent game, i will remember that sometimes, it really is not all about me and that i need to hear a very diverse chorus of voices, to augment my recovery, just for today.

∞ DT ∞