Blog entry for:

imperfect self, is still quite a work in progress. for someone who was ALWAYS right and believed that he was entitled to bully everyone else into accepting that as reality, uncovering the fact that i am just like the rest of the human race: flawed, ignorant, biased and far from any sort of “Renaissance Man,” was quite a shock to my system. that realization did not come all at once accompanied with a flash of lightening and a thunderclap. but was certainly part of my very long journey to opening my mind and heart up to what i always knew was true, but was unable to accept. to say i was well-practiced at denial, would be an understatement, living in the spiritual program of a twelve step program, provides the scaffolding that allows me to destroy who i once was and replace that with a version of myself that is still imperfect, but certainly a better fit in the real world.
i have often spoken about the lie i lived for decades on end, that i was broken beyond repair, and that i needed to hide my true self from everyone else in the world. that lie started with an event when i was five that shook my world and allowed me the freedom to believe that something was inherently wrong with me. a five year old being humiliated by someone who “loved” him, created an untenable situation in his picture of who he was and opened a wound that has just these days, started to heal. each and every time that lad was humbled or humiliated. fed the lie and drove him deeper into hiding his true self from the world around him. when at last i revealed that event and the dichotomy it created to my sponsor, i felt freed for the first time in a long time, to allow myself to accept my imperfect self and let the world into who i certainly was becoming.
today, i do not need to hide and cringe away from the light of revelation, as i know i am imperfect and have to see that as a good thing. as i prepare to get out and about to my home group, i can feel the old lie starting to surface and remind me that staying safe and looking good, is more important than being real and true to who i am. in fact, as i get this ready to post, i know that i am good to go and be okay with who i am, imperfect as all heck, and allow myself to show that self to the rest of the world, just for today.

∞ DT ∞