Blog entry for:

challenges of living clean, by paying attention to all viewpoints, no matter the source. this would be a pretty boring blog if i said with deep conviction that i have no prejudices, no biases, and lived in a place of total equality with all of my peers in recovery. rainbows, unicorns and daises would litter my world and i would be calling the Pope, saying “Dude when are you going to put me up for sainthood.” i would be able to label my recovery as SUPREME and expect to have sycophants and followers hanging on my every word. me oh my, what a wonderful world that would be. alright, i am a bit over the top here, but hyperbole is often a useful; tool to illustrate a point. the fact is, i am riddled with prejudice and bias, and ONLY through the recovery process, has the influence of those two all too human characteristics been reduced enough to allow me to be a part of something greater. the fact is, the very first time i read this reading, i was quite certain that it could never apply to me, as i was without prejudice or bias. i was a modern and evolved human being who left those petty things along his journey to becoming. ironic what a a few trips around the sun may bring. speaking of which:

Aaron F,
9 years (3287 days) clean.
Congrats on doing the deed, Just for Today.
Keep comin' back!

okay back to my normally scheduled brain dump. this morning i honed in on a single line in the reading ➸ the two things i have in common with my peers: addiction and recovery.well the passage said “disease,” but for me those words are interchangeable and i prefer to name what it is that i have: addiction, i spent far too much of my life using language to bolster my denial. that is however a digression for another day, coming back on point, when i sit in a meeting pissed off, after hearing addict after addict share fluff or a mixed message, i have already closed my mind to what could have been given to me. that too, is part of my denial structure. when i use differences to separate myself from the back, i am on my away out.
recovery has transformed me from an “evolved” being into one who is growing and evolving. as i progress, i become painfully aware of my human side, and rejoin my fellows, instead of peering down on them out of arrogance and hubris. as i have moved into my sharing at every meeting assignment, i am starting to get that what i want to share is not that i have “solved” the puzzle of living clean, but am learning to solve that puzzle. i do not need any psychobabble or new age Jedi mind tricks to progress in my recovery., all i need to do is listen and apply what i hear to my life in general. sure a treatment denizen may not have a lot of recovery to share, but they can remind me of what living clean in the very dawn of recovery is like, i do remember that it was one of the most miserable phases of my existence. in fact, when i allow it, they may have more to offer me than my peers who have years, even decades of recovery, and hide behind their clean time with a vengeance. that too, was a phase i went through and had to be brutally yanked back to reality from, once upon a time. the fact is, i do not know where the tidbit of information i require to stay clean and thrive today, will come from, it just might be from that self-righteous pious a$$hole sitting next to me. yes the judgement machine, no matter how human it may be, is what separates me from my peers. i can of course acknowledge it exists, and it certainly does, and allow myself to listen to it, and then fade into the background noise, while i get to listen to what is being said.
truth be told, i will not reach Nirvana or be beatified any time soon, BUT, i can be a better participant in the very fellowship that gave me this manner of living that i never dreamed was possible. just for today, i can return to my common bonds and allow myself to grow one more day. the two things that tie me to my peers, addiction and recovery, are facts in my life today, all it takes is for me to remember them, and become humble enough to accept them, just for today.

∞ DT ∞