Blog entry for:

that phrase was what kept me close enough to the fellowship, to stay, when i finally climbed over my wall of denial and realized that i was not **some kind** of addict and accepted the fact that i was a plain, garden variety addict who used against his will, for decades on end. it did amaze me, way back when, that no matter how hard i tried to be “different,” the more similar i ended-up being and in the long run, here i sit, a few days later, living a program of recovery. my peers, back in those days were not as soft or kind as they seem to be today, in fact, there were many times i left a meeting thinking that they were just a bunch of a$$holes, after all, who were they to tell me what i “should do.”
on the top of my mind today, are two peers the first:

Aaron F.
THIRTEEN (13) years clean today.
Congrats my friend.

the second one, is someone who has been “around” recovery for a bit of time and yet only has thirty days clean, again. i look at what he has and has not done to foster his recovery and wonder what it might take for him to “get it.” i hear the denial and the reservation s coming out of his mouth and no matter how strongly i seem to put it, he does not see things the way i do. that certainly takes me back to my own struggle coming to grips with reality. what i do remember is that i was not ready to accept the gifts those members were offering, until i hit bottom. it is certainly ironic that my desperation came on a trip out of town and my oldest friend in recovery told me he feared for my recovery when i jetted off to New York City to spend time with a using buddy. he could see, what i could not. i was on the verge of using and probably could have gotten away with it, had my timing been just a little bit better. i still had my doubts about whether or not i was an addict, and i was fairly certain that i could do a “one and done” use, just for old time's sake. these days i am not the bit confused by any of that, i am an addict, through and through and for me anyhow there is no such thing as “one and done.”
learning to live like that and accept that as TRUTH, did not come easily for me and there are days, like yesterday, when i do not feel 100% emotionally, spiritually or physically when i might forget the truth about who and what i am. i am grateful that i have a routine in place that allows me the FREEDOM, to step beyond what i “think” i need and work through whatever it is that is going on. today? well today i feel a bit physically sick and am wondering if i need to cancel my massage. i am going to attempt a workout and see how i feel after that. it is a good day to be okay with not being 100% and allow myself the freedom to be human and a recovering addict.

∞ DT ∞