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is still more than a bit flawed today. it is a good thing that i have become open-minded enough to accept the feedback from my sponsor, my closed-mouthed friends, my peers and my acquaintances, so i can be less of an a$$hole and more centered on the solution to my nagging reality, that i am now and forever and addict. i am still not, more times than not, the most welcoming of people, either to the fellowship, and certainly into my life. i could put a BIG BUT here, the facts, however, speak for themselves.
no matter how long i stay clean, no matter how many steps i may have worked, no matter how many meetings i may attend, time and again, i stand-up for the wrong idea and then defend it to the death, just so i do not look weak and feeble. i want o be liked by those i associate with, but i do not want to come to believe those notions i view as “out there” or just plain wrong. that may be find in the real world when i am out and about. in the rooms however, that sort of attitude will lead to my ultimate demise. so i persevere, listen to peers and observe what needs to be changed within me.
one of the great things about staying clean and hanging in the fellowship, is that i get to help those very same “teachers”celebrate their clean time:

Aaron F.,
CONGRATS on TWELVE (12) years clean.
As you are apt to say:
“To infinity and beyond!”

yes the notion that i NEED to get input form those i share my recovery with, was certainly one that i resisted for the longest time. having to reach a point of desperation even after months of clean time, was one of the most humbling experiences of my recovery journey. the benefit of being tromped on so hard, by the part of me i call addiction, was that i was finally in a space where i could listen and learn. it was not a Kum-By-Yah moment, but it certainly was the start of my recovery journey. when i feel myself slipping back into a state of chaotic self-will, i can remember where that took me, once upon a time.
on that cheery note, well actually an ominous Second-Inversion Minor Chord, i will wrap this up and be grateful that i may not be the most teachable bloke on the block, but i am learning to be a better person, despite my aversion to thinking i may appear weak and feeble, once again.

∞ DT ∞