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has never been a linear process and over the past few days it is evident that i still have a bit of work to do. i guess some folks just do not see the damage they cause and live in the blind ignorance that if they do not own it, perhaps it never happened. been there, done that, got the T-shirt. as i have painfully learned in my experience, when i ignore my bad behavior, its effects do not go away and the the trust others have developed in me is degraded. i want to be liked and respected, i also want to take responsibility for what how i act. those two desires are far from mutually exclusive and when i start rationalizing and justifying, i know that i am going down the wrong path. as i walk forward from this particular sh*t-show, i will be choosing to be cordial and courteous as i spend as little time as possible with that particular person. the lesson i walk away with from this experience, is that when i stumble across instances where my self-centered behavior affects others, it is my job to clean up the mess.
it would be very convenient for my anger to have faded to black, by now. unfortunately, i guess there is still a bit more processing i need to do. from where i am sitting this morning, i see that carrying this weight, must not be the impediment i think it is, otherwise i would have dropped it yesterday. as i am fond of asking the men i sponsor, what is my pay-off? that is an interesting question and one that i am into quite sure how to answer at this time. i do have a bit of windshields time coming up, as i travel down to the office, so i can be patient enough to allow the answer to be revealed. i also am quite certain that it really has nothing to do with the piece of garbage i was splattered with the other evening and more about my reaction to having to witness and deal with it. i know that my feelings are no longer things that i need to “deal” with, they simply are what they are, and i need to allow them to be. convenient or pleasant feelings are quite nice, but it seems those that cause the most upheaval in my spiritual condition are the ones that i notice the most. i think i will move along and see what the rest of this day may bring.

∞ DT ∞