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ah, feelings, what a wonderful distraction they are for me this morning. i am sitting here trying to think of how to nicely tell someone to separate their spammy personal e-mail from their work e-mail account. they continue to whine how this and that are not getting through and yet, every time i say open a web mail account, they stare at me blankly as if i was speaking Aramaic. guess what, forwarding the latest “cat picture of the day” to every single contact in your book is going to look like spam. honestly if i WANTED to read something every day, i would go directly to the source and wither subscribe to the e-mail myself or bookmark it. but i guess i am just weird that way.
okay, rant off
moving on, now that i puked a little bit, i do wonder if i would have been concerned about being diplomatic and kind at all, back when i was using. probably not, i would have shot the messenger, dead, dead, dead. as i said yesterday, i still have a thing for willful ignorance, and try as i might, i still went to judging at least one of those who shared last night. perhaps, with more practice i will be able to let that go. my bull-sh!t filter will probably never go away, the feelings of disgust i get when that filter is tripped off will probably never cease as well, but my reactions to those feelings can be channeled in a healthier direction. this whole idea of living life in a rose-coloured glasses manner by affirmations and attaching a value judgement on each and every feeling is a notion i have tried and found wanting in my life. for me, detachment from rating my feelings and the events in my life, including how i respond to them is part of my restoration to sanity. once i saw that positive affirmations were just lies that i told myself to cover up the fact that i was disappointed, worried or fearful of what was happening in my life, those feelings became real and easier for me to feel. do not get me wrong, perhaps affirmations or spinning everything into a positive light works for someone, all i am saying is that for me, it was a dishonest act that kept me sick. it was a way for me to hide from the feelings that i did not judge to be pleasant, and just like using for me, it was altering instead of experiencing the feelings that i was having. i get tired, angry, lonely, depressed, sad, just like the rest of the human race, denying those feelings just keeps me sick and makes me sicker. i want to look good, in control, self-confident and secure in who i am, even when i do not feel that way. BUT, i want all of you to think that is what i am, so i twist and spin and say something that covers up what i am feeling to you guys as well as in my own head, especially in my own head, after all, not feeling confident and self-accepting is a sign of something being very wrong!
anyhow, this morning i feel that i need to be getting out and down the road, as the break from winter is over here, just for today. it is a good day to be clean and perhaps as this unfolds i will find what i need to just be me, feel what i need to feel and walk this path with my head held high and without the requisite bullsh!t that pervades my life from time to time.

∞ DT ∞