โ recovery is more to me than just about pleasure โ
Posted: Fri, Feb 4, 2011 08:40:41 AM
in fact, if it was all about feeling good, i would have been long gone. recovery is about feeling right, and sometimes feeling right does not mean feeling good.
i know that is about as clear as mud, the problem as i see it, is that when i came to recovery, i was obsessed with feeling good, or rather feeling numb, as that was the only way i could control my feelings. yes there was euphoria when i was high and often giddiness and ecstasy, but none of those lasted and i was content to feel those feelings momentarily for the relief of numbness from all my other feelings that using drugs allowed me. one of the primary reasons that using was a part of my life for so long, was that it allowed me not to feel the pain of being human and walking through “real” life. so of course i had expectations that recovery would fill that same sort of need. i knew when i got here that i would have to deal with life, but i did not seem to realize that dealing with life meant that i would have to feel all sorts of feelings, comfortable and uncomfortable ones. more importantly, i did not realize that recovery would mean that all those feelings that i had numbed away would have to be felt as well.
man, what a ride it has been. yes feelings suck, or at least they once sucked for me. as time goes on, and as i get more accustomed to feeling my feelings, they suck less. the biggest change for me, is learning that a feeling is just a feeling. it is better for me to just let go and feel it, rather than try to suppress or change it, even in the short run. feelings pass, and they pass a whole lot quicker when i just let them.
recovery has also taught me that a feeling is not good or bad. when i do not attach a value judgment to any feeling, i do need not carry the baggage that judgment brings. feeling sad is not bad. feeling happy is not good. they both just are feelings that a turn of events, or a memory, or a circumstance evoke. i NEED to feel what i am feeling in the here and now and learn whatever it is i NEED to learn.
so back to the top, recovery for me, is not about feeling good 24 - 7. it is about feeling human. now that i have finally said that, it strikes as somehow quite profound. if recovery is about feeling human, than addiction must have been about feeling anything but human. which poses an interesting question, what is it about me that i find so intolerable that i had to use for 25 or 26 years, on a daily basis? that is certainly one of those questions that make me stop and go HMMMM.
when i look back, there really is nothing that was so heinous or traumatic that i need to forget, except that no matter how hard i tried, i was never satisfied with any part of my life, who i was, or even the world in general. somewhere down the line i got a set of expectations that would never ever be met, and using let me forget those expectations, in the moment. the more i used, the longer i could forget, and in the course of my existence the better i felt. now that i have considered that idea, i am glad that recovery has not meant going back to that state of being. being in recovery allows me to examine my beliefs, expectations and ideas, and replace or dump those that no longer work for me, which i have come to see, means a wholesale destruction and rebuilding of my belief structure about me, the world and my place in that world. which boils down to the fact that when i feel good, i am genuinely feeling good these days, and when i am feeling bad, i am genuinely feeling bad, and neither state is better, although as a human being, feeling good is a whole helluva a lot better than feeling bad, and i desire feeling good more than i desire feeling bad, so it goes.
how do i achieve that? by practicing a program of active recovery, and the result is that i feel good a whole lot more than i feel bad. so the feedback cycle kicks in. i practice a spiritual principle or two when no one is looking, i feel good about the result, BOOM i want to do that even more. ironic how that works -- recovery leads to feeling good, without me doing anything to try and control how i am feeling. so while i am all spiritual, i guess it is time to hit the showers and get some work done. after all someone has to do it, and i will get paid for doing so, which makes me feel good as well!
i know that is about as clear as mud, the problem as i see it, is that when i came to recovery, i was obsessed with feeling good, or rather feeling numb, as that was the only way i could control my feelings. yes there was euphoria when i was high and often giddiness and ecstasy, but none of those lasted and i was content to feel those feelings momentarily for the relief of numbness from all my other feelings that using drugs allowed me. one of the primary reasons that using was a part of my life for so long, was that it allowed me not to feel the pain of being human and walking through “real” life. so of course i had expectations that recovery would fill that same sort of need. i knew when i got here that i would have to deal with life, but i did not seem to realize that dealing with life meant that i would have to feel all sorts of feelings, comfortable and uncomfortable ones. more importantly, i did not realize that recovery would mean that all those feelings that i had numbed away would have to be felt as well.
man, what a ride it has been. yes feelings suck, or at least they once sucked for me. as time goes on, and as i get more accustomed to feeling my feelings, they suck less. the biggest change for me, is learning that a feeling is just a feeling. it is better for me to just let go and feel it, rather than try to suppress or change it, even in the short run. feelings pass, and they pass a whole lot quicker when i just let them.
recovery has also taught me that a feeling is not good or bad. when i do not attach a value judgment to any feeling, i do need not carry the baggage that judgment brings. feeling sad is not bad. feeling happy is not good. they both just are feelings that a turn of events, or a memory, or a circumstance evoke. i NEED to feel what i am feeling in the here and now and learn whatever it is i NEED to learn.
so back to the top, recovery for me, is not about feeling good 24 - 7. it is about feeling human. now that i have finally said that, it strikes as somehow quite profound. if recovery is about feeling human, than addiction must have been about feeling anything but human. which poses an interesting question, what is it about me that i find so intolerable that i had to use for 25 or 26 years, on a daily basis? that is certainly one of those questions that make me stop and go HMMMM.
when i look back, there really is nothing that was so heinous or traumatic that i need to forget, except that no matter how hard i tried, i was never satisfied with any part of my life, who i was, or even the world in general. somewhere down the line i got a set of expectations that would never ever be met, and using let me forget those expectations, in the moment. the more i used, the longer i could forget, and in the course of my existence the better i felt. now that i have considered that idea, i am glad that recovery has not meant going back to that state of being. being in recovery allows me to examine my beliefs, expectations and ideas, and replace or dump those that no longer work for me, which i have come to see, means a wholesale destruction and rebuilding of my belief structure about me, the world and my place in that world. which boils down to the fact that when i feel good, i am genuinely feeling good these days, and when i am feeling bad, i am genuinely feeling bad, and neither state is better, although as a human being, feeling good is a whole helluva a lot better than feeling bad, and i desire feeling good more than i desire feeling bad, so it goes.
how do i achieve that? by practicing a program of active recovery, and the result is that i feel good a whole lot more than i feel bad. so the feedback cycle kicks in. i practice a spiritual principle or two when no one is looking, i feel good about the result, BOOM i want to do that even more. ironic how that works -- recovery leads to feeling good, without me doing anything to try and control how i am feeling. so while i am all spiritual, i guess it is time to hit the showers and get some work done. after all someone has to do it, and i will get paid for doing so, which makes me feel good as well!
∞ DT ∞