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with feelings, just one of the tasks i undertake on a daily basis, as part of living a program. i do not how many times i have said, or heard it said by one of my peers, that this feeling or that NEEDED to be changed. the lament goes, i just acted out on addiction, because i wanted to change the way i felt. it is true in active addiction, i altered my feelings on daily, sometime hourly basis, and became quite good at feeling what i wanted to, and suppressing the rest. that, at least for me, was one of the “wonderful” side-effects of using, and that sort of behavior sets me up for failure in recovery, where having feelings just like the other 85% do, is a feature of staying clean and not a “bug.” the nice part, and the bit of HOPE here, is that i have given up on understanding WHY i feel something and HOW to deal with what i feel. where there was once angst about what i feel in the here and now, there is acceptance and with that acceptance comes a certain manner of living, where i no longer have to automatically react or even react at all, to whatever feeling pops up, inconvenient or not.
moving on from there, i am having a feeling or two this morning. i want to be a part of the local fellowship, but right now, being apart feels a bit safer. i will be grounded by on-call for the nest week and think i should get out of the house all day long, of course in reaction to an upcoming constraint. i do not feel like going out and hanging with my peers at the Big Game party, nor heading to the cigar shop to hang in that smoke-filled room. i feel like staying home and watching the game with my significant other and leaving all the rest behind, letting the world spin as it will, without any interference from me. of course, with my desire to isolate comes all sorts of recriminations and soul-searching,because time and again i have been told that an addict alone is not a healthy situation. i am certain it is because of the whole social scene i was part of last night and by the time i got home, i had, had enough. as i sit here and sort out what i am feeling and what i want to feel, i am getting a clue that in this sense i am more than confused, what i want to feel is certainly not what i need to feel and admitting my powerlessness in this regard is certainly the healthier way to go.
i was going to cut off this whole train of thought, right there and of course another feeling popped-up. just the tiniest sliver of gratitude for not having to chase this feeling or that today. yes, i may be in a “mood” this morning, BUT this too shall pass. if i get out of the way, accept it, try and not drop a value judgement on it and let it go, who knows, i will have yet another feeling and perhaps one i find a bit more to my liking.

∞ DT ∞