Blog entry for:

just pleasure, really, ongoing, active recovery and having the desire to stay clean does not make me suddenly **happy, joyous and free?** one of the issues i stumbled across when i first got clean and was a volunteer of the **two disease** cadre, was that i heard some very different messages of what to expect as i moved forward in my recovery journey. among the messages i heard was “take what you want and leave the rest.” couple that with the not notion about twelve promises and GOD having a desire for me to reach a certain state, and i ended up being in a room in New Jersey, watching a friend do the pile of dope that i had paid for. the only thing i am grateful for out of that experience, is the GIFT of DESPERATION and a commitment to working the program of recovery that finally fit.
do not misinterpret that paragraph. that other fellowship is successful in its own right and has helped millions of its members worldwide, find a new manner in which to live. for me, however, living in that twilight world between the fellowships, nearly took me to places where using seemed like my best option, especially as the promises went unfulfilled and did not attain a state of being “happy, joyous or free.” that journey from compliance and playing a role, to becoming a member is a time of my life that seems to be coming up a whole lot these days. i see those months of fronting the successful recovering or even worse, “recovered” person was an experience that has provided the impetus that drives my recovery today.
moving on, i can say the last twelve hours has certainly been a challenging set for this addict. it has been quite a stretch of time since i felt so powerless and impotent. when the inevitable occurred and hearts were broken, i struggled to find the words i needed to comfort my life partner. what i kept “hearing” as i reached out to the POWER that fuels my recovery is that there were no words i could use to take away her pain and hurt. all i could do: is be there, hug her, listen to her and stay present as the events of the evening unfolded. i have had better nights and i have had more power in tough situations, but last night left me feeling less than, as i could not reach into a heart of another and take her pain away. this morning as i listened, i saw that what i was able to do, was the next right thing. right here and right now? well the next right thing is to go remove the layers of sublimated water vapor from the concrete that surrounds my house and get ready for another eventful day. i may not be happy, or joyous today, but i am certainly FREE and for this addict one out of three is not bad.

∞ DT ∞