Blog entry for:

to feel anything from one minute to the next and that i see as a gift today, rather than the bane of my existence.
now that i am all caught up with the news of the world and the latest official and unofficial tweets from the Casa Blanca, i can move forward with my day. i am beginning to see a parallel between what appears to be a clampdown and denial in the executive branch of government and what i used to see as my emotional state of being. a speaker i heard yesterday, said that they were not very good at covering their a$$. for me, that was what it was always all about, denial, dishonesty, acting “as if,” manipulation, and stoicism were my watchwords. all of that and so much more filled my days and stoked my fear of being found out. i lived in a constant state of paranoia, or at least very close to it, as i knew i was living a lie and the whole house of cards could be upset very easily and without much warning by chance occurrences and random events.
the first seven months of my exposure to the rooms, when i was “around” the program but far from in it, were only worse, because now i had to pile using when i could get away with it, on top of the whole host of stuff i was already sweeping under the carpet. honestly, when i used in that period of my life, i got relief beyond what i was getting when i had to comply and stopped using everything but… for that brief slice of time, i was carefree and without any concern in the world, and was isolated and alone, so no one could see me, find me or rat me out. life was certainly tough, but i knew that every month there would be a window of opportunity and all i had to do was hold out for it. feeling as inconvenient as they were in those days, were buried under the masquerade i was promoting of being a compliant twit with those powers that be. holding out for the month end, kept me able to suppress and pretend until that day rolled around and then disappear for long enough to get my release.
after my last use, when i finally got clean, life was a roller-coaster. my desire to appear “just fine,” was not diminished in the slightest, but it became exponentially more difficult to keep all those feelings in check, and they spilled out at the most awkward times. using the notion that i was different and only a temporary visitor to recovery, certainly helped, as my goal to get out from the oppression of the justice system, became my go to mode of operation and allowed me to continue haphazardly to cover my a$$ and pretend that i was a member, even though that would be ending soon. feelings sucked and i continued to suppress them the best i could. a quick dip in retail therapy made them tolerable, but only just barely. being abstinent without embracing any sort of program was far from a sane manner of living, but i believed it was my only chance. so imagine my surprise, when i finally really became a member and was told that feeling were just the way it was, and the more i embraced them and felt them, the faster i would become accustomed to them and be better able to live a real life.
this last set of steps, however, has changed all of that, and my sponsor's suggestions that i learn to feel my way to the next right action, rather than think my way through, has taught me many valuable lessons, the first being that resigning myself to feeling would open the door to becoming the person i always wanted to be.resignation became tolerance, then acceptance and i was finally able to embrace them and let go. part of that process was to alter my judgement of what i was feeling. the labels of positive and negative feelings changed to those i found pleasurable and those i found uncomfortable. in that metamorphosis, i began to feel that feelings just are and i started my evolution into who i am becoming today.
feelings can still suck and be inappropriate, in my not so humble opinion, and i still want to return to dropping them into the bit bucket and burying them under a pile of bullsh!t. in this instance, my first thought is wrong, and i am learning to resist the notion that those feeling can be dealt with, somewhere down the line. the truth is for me, feelings need to be felt in real-time, otherwise i will get sicker, rather than more healthy. my FAITH in the program is teaching me that although i have some knowledge, and a modicum of wisdom, there is so much more for me to learn, and feelings and everything that attends them, is part of what my education is all about today. i can be grateful today, for the gift of feeling and the relief i get when i let go and just feel them. just for today, i will allow myself to use my program of recovery to learn to be a feeling human individual, it is the easier, softer way.

∞ DT ∞