Blog entry for:

that i get to choose or control my feelings. and that really sucks! although i have been known to say that i did not come to recovery in order to be miserable, and that is true, it does not mean i walk around ‘happy go lucky,’ either! the reality is that i have absolutely no control over what i will feel or when i will feel it, those days are long gone, at least for now. i do remember that in active addiction i was nearly the master of my feelings. if a feeling was unacceptable to me, or popped-up at an inconvenient time, i had a solution -- use whatever i had to obliterate, manipulate or morph that feeling into a feeling i preferred. the results of that chemistry were almost always numbness, which i was willing to accept so i did not feel the pain of living life.
so what is this addict to do? being miserable is unacceptable to me, and living the program to the best of my ability mean that i cannot to use substances nor substitute the one thousand and one using behaviors to alter my feelings. DAMMIT! since controlling my feelings and altering my feelings only lead me down paths i prefer not to travel, the remaining alternative is learning how to accept my feelings!
acceptance is not a spiritual principle that comes naturally to me, whether it was nature or nurture that taught me to fight for the outcomes i desire, really does not matter in this respect, what does matter is that i learn to see a feeling for what it is -- a feeling. a transitory state of being, arising as a reaction to my environment, that will pass with time and be replaced with yet another feeling. you know the whole ‘this too shall pass,’ cliché! and honestly i have yet to die from a feeling( even though it feels like i will) nor have i seen anyone expire from feeling a feeling. so accepting that as a person in recovery i have the gift of the full range of human emotions means that i will feel what i feel, so instead of fighting that little fact, accept and move on. and moving on means choosing my behaviors carefully when i am feeling one of those uncomfortable feelings. in this respect i do have some control. i am no longer on autopilot when it comes to reacting how i feel. but of course that is a topic for yet another day!

∞ DT ∞