Blog entry for:

is not the point of why i stay in recovery, although there is nothing wrong with feeling good. i know i have heard it time and again from my peers that GOD did not put them here to be miserable and that they are entitled to feel good after all they have gone through. for a very long time in my recovery, i agreed whole-hardheartedly with those sentiments and when i did not feel “good,” i wondered what i was doing wrong, or if i was being punished for my transgressions. what i finally came to believe was that my job was to feel whatever it was i was feeling and accept that feeling anything was a gift to be cherished, rather than scorned when i did not have the feelings i desired. when i made the final step to removing the judgement of whether a feeling was good or bad, i was freed from the delusion that somehow what i was feeling was not what i was “supposed” to be feeling.
today is one of those “mixed” feeling days. i am dealing with accepting that some people are just angry all the time and nothing i can do will free them from that state of being. i find that unpleasant and feel “bad” that i cannot “fix” them or offer a solution. the facts are that i cannot even fix myself, so attempting to free someone else from their feelings is not only useless but will only lead to me, taking on a whole boatload of shit that is not mine. i truly hate surrendering to powerlessness and in my experience, limited as it may be, it is the only path to me living comfortably in my own skin.
i have some stuff to accomplish today, so i believe i will end this little exercise with the idea that owning what i can change and working towards a solution there is more than sufficient and necessary for me to do better than survive my feelings. today i can own what i feel, allow myself the freedom to express them if i need to and let go of expecting any relief from the feelings i can not and will not control, just for today.

∞ DT ∞