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so bad about feeling good???? nothing, whatsoever, as long as i do not make it my prime directive for today or any day. beside, what the hell does feeling **good** really mean? i know that good is not a feeling and when i ask others to explain what they mean, i generally hear a whole lot of ”jazz-hands“ that really describes nothing at all. for me, IF i say i am feeling good, i am doing my best to actually pay attention to what it is i am feeling and giving a pat answer to satisfy the masses. when i think about what it means to feel good, it seems to come down to the lack of concern, worry and anxiety about my life and the world around. it also means that i am content with where i am at this moment and quite possibly pleased about the way things are going. all of that is just a start, when i look at feeling good, so why bother?
that is precisely the point and was what i heard this morning. it is true, that my feelings may be inconvenient and messy, that is just a fact of life. i was brought up in a place where feeling “good” was the end-all and be-all. i was taught that when i did not feel good, to pretend that i did, after all no one likes a “Gloomy Gus.” my early lack of emotional “control” led to the lie that was my life for nearly fifty years, and as i am starting to come out the fog and live my life, as i really am, i am more than a little bitter about the years that i wasted trying to feel “good.”
today, i embrace my feelings, as just as i do not have “good” and “bad” days, i also am learning to live without “good” and “bad” feelings. i have a more positive outlook on my life, especially when i do not attempt to fit into anyone else's definition of who i should be. with that in mind, it is time to suit up and head out to the Rec Center. i can certainly say that working out does help me to feel “good.”

∞ DT ∞