Blog entry for:

i will practice the program and learn to live with my feelings. as much as i hate them,. feelings are part of living. the reading does imply that part of the reason i used, was to feel good, BUT for me, it was NOT TO FEEL at all. i had long ago decided, that IF i could not feel, i could not be hurt. “good” feelings were nearly as disturbing as the “bad” ones. my perfect day was comfortably numb as a result of living in this manner, and i quite content to do so. yes i know contentment may be called a feeling as well.
for me, one of the biggest challenges of my early days in recovery, was the avalanche of feelings that had been bottled up, that crashed over me with the force of a megatons of dynamite, emotionally speaking anyhow. i was constrained by an outside force NOT TO USE under penalty of law and yet i was at the point where just a little bit of something, to be numb for just five minutes, seemed like a brilliant idea. something, some other power, that i now choose to call THE POWER THAT FUELS MY RECOVERY, gave me the strength of will to persevere and stay clean, just five more minutes, and of course the rest is history…
although i handle feelings a bit better today, or let me rephrase that, at although i tolerate and accept my feelings better today, that does not mean i actually enjoy having them all the time, or am EVEN GRATEFUL for having them. no most of the time they are inconvenient and messy, and the rational side of me, is always trying to analyze the “why” part, so i can avoid them. after all, if i can pinpoint what behavior of mine or someone else, triggers a feeling, i can structure my life to avoid it. you know ACT before i REACT! yeah right and maybe monkeys will fly out of my a$$, as well. the truth is, that is the part of me i call addiction, striving to back me into that corner, where using FEELS like my best and only option. the lies i tell myself about how heinous feelings are and about how they certainly lead to pain, disregard the simple fact, that i have yet to DIE from a feeling! the other 85% of humanity have yet to die from feelings. the only thing that will kill me, is my reaction to a feeling and that is where the program of recovery steps in. living a program of active recovery is getting me to a place of acceptance about feelings and teaching me to surrender to a feeling instead of fighting it. it is teaching me that yes, feelings are nothing to use over. as long as i let the POWER that fuels my recovery provide for me what i need, i can and will be okay, feelings and all.
so out into the winter wonderland i go, to be a part of life today. it is a good day to be clean!

∞ DT ∞