Blog entry for:

always the possibility i COULD feel good. one of the messages i once believed i was hearing, was that once i got into recovery, i could no longer seek out pleasurable experiences , in fact i would have to work hard to just allow them to come to me. time and again, when my peers shared about no longer being pleasure-driven, i believed i heard that they were no longer feeling “good,” as a result of their recovery programs. so i took it upon myself to remove any pleasure-seeking behaviors from my life and quickly became so miserable, i might as well have used. i stayed clean, but my takeaway from that little trip into “changing the way i feel” was not to do so, just accept what comes and be okay with however i am feeling in the moment.
something that popped-up on my TENTH STEP last night and once again in my ELEVENTH this morning, is my anger at my Mom, which is quickly turning into a resentment. i suspect she lied to her doctor yesterday about the level of activity she is really doing. the reason i suspect that, is that IF she were doing all that she says she is, would be getting stronger and yet, i see little to no improvement in her condition. having no proof, i cannot call her on that. what i can call her out for, is her unwillingness to take any sort of responsibility for her life, going forward. she refuses to consider that life in the modern world requires some compromise with how she would like things to be. using GOOGLE to look up a restaurant menu, telling me that she has more than one appointment or even taking the time to look for help in running her home, seems to be things she is unwilling to do. the fact of life she is refusing to face is, that it is going to be up to her, if she wants to be freed from the “prison” her medical conditions have created.
what really gets my goat, is her less than sincere acknowledgement of anything i do for her. it may be she does not realize how she comes off, as it is always after the fact and only when i am “quiet” in her company. i have to give her credit for reading the room, in that case, but it feels as if she is throwing this old dawg a rotten old bone, as she grows more dependent on my siblings and i, taking responsibility for her life. she asks about my Dad, and yet has not asked for the number so she could call the facility herself and talk to the staff, herself. i am tired of her unwillingness to get up and do something and actually more than a bit happy, that today is my “day off.”
what do i do with all that seething anger? well first accept and acknowledge it is there. secondly allow myself to feel it and let it pass. finally, talk to her about what i see and what i feel and let her know that her inaction in stepping up and taking responsibility is no longer acceptable to me. i certainly know how well that will go over, but it is what needs to be said and maybe, tomorrow afternoon i will be able to say it and move along. it is a good thing i have a day to allow myself to accept and feel, before i say what needs to be said. oh yeah, it might feel good to tell her what i am feeling today, but i need not injure someone else to feel better, just for today.

∞ DT ∞