Blog entry for:

even from one minute to the next. because i no longer plan my feelings i end up having feelings that may feel somewhat inconvenient. feelings about feelings, and the circle goes on and on. what i generally hear when i read this, was how i could manage and control my feelings in active addiction, or rather how i thought i could do so. the reality is that then, as well as now, i was and still am, mostly powerless about what i feel when. oh yes, it is true that i had an ally in the controlling my feelings department, the mother’s little helper du jour, so to speak. with just a quick dip into whatever i happened to posses at that moment, i could be free from any feelings at all, for twenty minutes or less, although some of those little helpers were a touch more powerful and could take me away from feeling anything for quite some time. but a war story about the not so glory days, is not what i am about this morning.
what i heard this morning was the futility of judging whether or not a feeling is good or bad, inconvenient or spot on. as my sponsor has told me, i know what i feel, and whatever it happens to be right here and right now, is exactly what it is supposed to be. i find it ironic that i even consider telling someone that what they are feeling is not actually what they are feeling, arguing the point or defending my behavior. the irony of this? well, i keep being told by another member that my feelings are somewhat invalid, and truthfully it has reached a point where i can no longer tolerate it, and that point was actually crossed quite some time ago, i am only now standing up for myself, and as a result i feel good. yes, it would be a wonderful world, if others allowed me to grow into what i am becoming, and accepted with grace, that the person they knew is no longer playing that game. but in the real world i am as powerless over the feelings of others as i am over my feelings themselves.
so where is all this leading? that is also uncertain. i know that i feel regret this morning, thinking about the results of standing up for myself. bit i feel strangely relieved, because if something ever thaws in that glacier, at least i know what i want, what is acceptable to me, and where i can take it. the world inside me as well as around me, is far from a certain and predictable place. it is almost fun to see where this adventure will take me each and every day, almost! anyhow, the road beckons, so it is time for me to wrap this up and move forward, secure in the knowledge that whatever i feel, i will feel, and it is exactly what i need to be feeling at that moment in time. so TATA FOR NOW

∞ DT ∞