โ before i began my recovery sojurn, i planned my feelings. โ
Posted: Tue, Feb 4, 2014 07:47:23 AM
my goal for each day was to feel good, or barring that, not to feel anything at all. the question that occurred to me, as i was sweeping the latest precipitation off my steps and sidewalk was: “what is so bad about feeling good!?”
quite truthfully, some days, i take myself way too seriously and when the urge strikes to be silly, for no reason whatsoever, i hesitate and often get lost in that moment. being too serious is something i can remember being forever, and it is never going to leave me. i was serious and a worry-wart as a child, and when i used that very first time, what i most liked, now that i think about it, was how i felt — relieved. finally, i could just let go and allow the rest of the world to spin as it will, it is too bad, that carefree attitude was soon replaced with a NEED to get more, and manipulate my way to seeing if i could ever feel that way again. i came close, more than once, but never quite got there. i also came close to be discovered dead, by myself, with a needle hanging out of my arm, more than once as well. all in pursuit of that feeling i had just once.
which brings me back to the question i posed at the beginning, why is it that my culture requires those of us who are adults to feel anything but good, most of the time? seriously, i have enough stuff in my life and in the world around me, to be serious about, so when i want to escape into feeling good, by being silly or going on vacation, or whatever, i have come to the point i really do not care, anymore what the fVck my culture tells me to do. as an adult, i have the right to eat my dessert first if i choose to do so. i have the right to laugh out loud at the absurdity of life,the universe and everything and i have the right to allow myself the freedom to just allow the world and everything in it to go away. i choose not to use drugs to do that anymore, so the task is that much more difficult. computer games, television, hanging with my brothers of the leaf, or reading, are some of the activities that allow me to exercise those rights, and sometimes, i still feel, well different! i was chastised not too long ago, for laughing out loud at an inappropriate moment, and you know what, i really do not care. sometimes the absurdity or the irony that is shared in a meeting, is too much to keep myself from laughing, especially in those moments when someone is taking themselves far too seriously. this reading gives me a bit of license in that regard, and most of the time, i do my best to be socially acceptable by being way too serious as well. those other times? well today i make no apologies for that. that is the way it is, and if i want way too serious, i know where i can go. today, i want to feel whatever it is i feel. be whoever i need to be and walk the path of recovery as it is revealed to me, and the rest of the sh!t, well one certainly knows what to do with that, me i am letting it go, tossing it into the bit bucket and allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to take care of it.
quite truthfully, some days, i take myself way too seriously and when the urge strikes to be silly, for no reason whatsoever, i hesitate and often get lost in that moment. being too serious is something i can remember being forever, and it is never going to leave me. i was serious and a worry-wart as a child, and when i used that very first time, what i most liked, now that i think about it, was how i felt — relieved. finally, i could just let go and allow the rest of the world to spin as it will, it is too bad, that carefree attitude was soon replaced with a NEED to get more, and manipulate my way to seeing if i could ever feel that way again. i came close, more than once, but never quite got there. i also came close to be discovered dead, by myself, with a needle hanging out of my arm, more than once as well. all in pursuit of that feeling i had just once.
which brings me back to the question i posed at the beginning, why is it that my culture requires those of us who are adults to feel anything but good, most of the time? seriously, i have enough stuff in my life and in the world around me, to be serious about, so when i want to escape into feeling good, by being silly or going on vacation, or whatever, i have come to the point i really do not care, anymore what the fVck my culture tells me to do. as an adult, i have the right to eat my dessert first if i choose to do so. i have the right to laugh out loud at the absurdity of life,the universe and everything and i have the right to allow myself the freedom to just allow the world and everything in it to go away. i choose not to use drugs to do that anymore, so the task is that much more difficult. computer games, television, hanging with my brothers of the leaf, or reading, are some of the activities that allow me to exercise those rights, and sometimes, i still feel, well different! i was chastised not too long ago, for laughing out loud at an inappropriate moment, and you know what, i really do not care. sometimes the absurdity or the irony that is shared in a meeting, is too much to keep myself from laughing, especially in those moments when someone is taking themselves far too seriously. this reading gives me a bit of license in that regard, and most of the time, i do my best to be socially acceptable by being way too serious as well. those other times? well today i make no apologies for that. that is the way it is, and if i want way too serious, i know where i can go. today, i want to feel whatever it is i feel. be whoever i need to be and walk the path of recovery as it is revealed to me, and the rest of the sh!t, well one certainly knows what to do with that, me i am letting it go, tossing it into the bit bucket and allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to take care of it.
∞ DT ∞