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i really am, is certainly an interesting process. i can admit without any hesitation that when i walked into the rooms, i believed i was hole and genuine and everything that i needed to justify was the fault of someone or something else. that first set of steps, even though it was shallow and far from complete, started a process that continues to this day. i know that my intent, back in those days, was to “look as if” i was living a program of recovery and i certainly did a very good job of that, the “looking as if” part anyhow. when i finally decided that maybe i wanted to do something about addiction and became a member, i was pretty sure that i was done with step work and my new sponsor was going to have me focus on Steps Ten, Eleven and Twelve, after all i had already explored and uncovered everything about myself that i needed to, in that set of twelve steps. here i sit on my fifth round of steps, on Step Three, and i actually feel more than a little gratitude that i GOT to learn how to actually live a life in recovery, instead of just looking as if i was doing so.
when i consider what the outcome might have been, had i continued done the path i was on, at eighteen months clean, i think that maybe i more than a bit over-dramatic about what those results would have been. i see many people who seem to use successfully and not have their lives spin down the toilet. i have friends and acquaintances who quit using through sheer willpower, even though when they used they exhibited the same symptoms that i did. that takes me down the path that maybe some long term abstinence was what i needed and now i have been altered enough to go back to using every now and again. that somehow, that using phase has passed and now that i am emotionally an adult, i can use like an adult. certainly an interesting notion that leads me to wonder if i am willing to live through the consequences if that is not the case. the simple fact iof the matter is, just for today i am not willing to fade that heat.
that leaves me in the space of moving forward with my recovery process by writing what i have uncovered as part of the THIRD STEP process i am engaged in at this time. i am quite certain that there is a POWER that fuels my recovery. i have FAITH that POWER gives me the opportunity to provide for me needs and even fulfill some of my wants. i also believe that i have not scraped off all the layers of detritus that i was once encased in, to get down to who i really am, today. the next step in that process, is yet another searching and fearless inventory and an admission to GOD, myself and another human being, what is on that inventory and for some strange and unusual reason, i am actually looking forward to that part of the process, at least i can say so hi9nestly and without reservations, just for right now.

∞ DT ∞