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to principles, rather than personalities, is not the easiest task i have ever faced in recovery. like all human being i have biases and prejudices that color how i see my world. in addiction many of those saved me from certain destruction more than once. i also came very with an over-inflated sense of what i “knew,” which fed into the closed feedback loop of “proof” that my bias was justified. my distorted sense of “right and wrong” got projected onto the fellowship, back in the early days of my recovery and of the local fellowship, and i became the protector of the “true” faith, calling out all heretics and charlatans with gusto. perhaps, back in those days, it was a necessary evil, but even as the local fellowship grew and certainly no longer required my intervention to stay “pure,” i still merrily tripped back into that Torquemada set of behaviors. it is what the posers, the tourists and the “clean date” junkies do and say that is more important to me than the principles of tolerance, acceptance and compassion.
i am discovering it takes time for what i feel to be morphed or removed as the last two Monday night meetings i have attended, saw judgment day kick in again. each time i texted an ally in the my struggle and each time i got the feedback i desired, enabling to go on dissing those peers, even though they have no idea that they are on “double secret probation.” so when i turned the page to this reading this morning, i saw that i am still affected by what went on two or so decades ago and that crap is still being brought to the table. here is where the “woe is me, i am so bad, i am never going to get better” bit of self-deprecation needs to be inserted. instead what i see and feel this morning, is not that i am hopelessly bad, but because i can see my part in my behavior, i can step forward and begin to address my emotionally charged reactions to the behavior of others as my stuff and deal with it through my step work process. whether or not they ever understand that recovery is not a money making opportunity, they did not actually hang the moon, or showing up once a year is not on me. they are entitled to my understanding and compassion and their sins do not need to be forgiven by me. my “sin” in all of this, is holding them to a standard of behavior that is more than likely not achievable in anyone's lifetime, because i hold myself to that same impossible standard.
where i seem to be going today, is that when i do not like someone for any reason, i zoom in how they are behaving to justify my dislike and feed my bias beast. it really is not their personalities or behavior that is at issue, but what i do with how i see them, which is always going to bad, if they already have some sort of strike against them. walking into the light of this day, it is those internal stories that are feeding my bias and the time has come to expose them of the “fake news” that they are. there just might be an impeachable offense in that pile of garbage and i NEED to allow a recovery process to have it removed.

∞ DT ∞