Blog entry for:

i listen to my conscience and do what is right, no matter who is involved.
DAMMIT!
yes, these words go straight to the heart of the program i purportedly live in the here and now. and yet these words grate on me from time to time, well honestly much more than from time to time. in fact just about every day i find myself examining my conscience, or just plain ignoring it as i act in a manner that goes against this ideal. and what is it about this ideal that makes it difficult for this addict to live by it. on the surface it seems to appear like an easy thing to do, and nothing that is any different than the morals and values that i was instilled with by my family and culture. the real problem is between my ears! yes, i understand that i do not have to like everyone who happens to cross my path, or with whom i share my recovery with. of course i am far from cured, so what happens in this addict’s head is that i find myself having to deal with people that are just plain foul and nasty in my not so humble opinion. and the last thing i want to be when dealing with these sorts is tolerant, accepting and patient PERIOD! but that is of course the easy case and the one that is the easiest for me to deal with -- i can feel the bile rising and have warning that NOW IS THE TIME TO PRACTICE... the real tricky cases are those with whom i share my life, that i have come to know, have some recovery and clean time and still choose to act in a manner that is contrary to what i believe is correct. those are the poor folks who do not get the tolerance and patience they deserve, because i believe they should hear from the self-appointed expert (me) exactly how fucked-up they really are, and if they are not willing to take that load of shit than my life is better without them.
and there my personality has got in the way of the principles i try and live by. and once again i am going back to admit that i was wrong, behaved badly and need to repair yet another relationship. the insane part of this whole cycle, is that i never learn to keep my mouth shut, when i am ready to let go and let them have it with both barrels. however this is a program of progress and not perfection, so maybe there is a bit of HOPE for this addict regardless. after all, i did not become addicted in one day, so i can hardly expect to be cured in one day either! so off to the real world to practice what i believe in and see if i can get through this day without having to clean up any damage, practice a bit of putting spiritual principles before my personality and see what happens.

∞ DT ∞