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truly comfortable with the Third Step, i can live it and move on to STEP FOUR. this certainly is an apt topic for me to muse about this morning. i feel stuck between STEPS THREE and FOUR and the way my world spins, it cannot possibly be my own fault. it has to be the result of having the wrong sponsor, the wrong peers, the wrong career and the wrong life in general, so why bother? yes a very familiar behavior for me, that was started way back before i ever used for the first time and polished into quite an Oscar-worthy act, over the decades of my active addiction. even sitting here this morning, pounding this out brings up feelings that i do not want to feel. the fact is, i am not that much different than one of my sponsees who has “issues” of thinking for himself, when it comes down to this HIGHER POWER gig. i want someone to package it up, nice and neatly, so i can blame them when it does not work for me. that is more than likely not his issue, but more will be revealed when i see him a ten days or so.
back to the topic at hand, i am stuck and it is not anyone else's fault. what i do not want to look at, is the root of my identity. after decades of denying that i had an issue with who i was, coming to recovery forced me out of that comfortable, blissful ignorance. the steps cycles i have completed have stripped a whole lot of the patina off who i thought i was and left me facing an issue today that is quite overwhelming, the lies and stories i created, that made me the person i am today. just as the SIXTH STEP scared the living crap out of me, way back when i first actually worked it, so the FOURTH is doing today, as i cannot predict who i will be, once i let go of who i think i am. living in dread and hiding behind all sorts of smoke and mirrors, keeps me sick and weighs heavily on my mind. it does not weigh me down enough to surrender to what i know i “NEED” to do, because “i can t think about that right now. if i do, i ll go crazy. i ll think about that tomorrow.”
i am good about pinning down the source of my discomfort and i believe that my sponsee has a FEAR of his own. even though i “know” that when i have surrendered my will and my life into the care of the POWER that fuels my recovery, everything worked out to a place that was way beyond my satisfaction. that evidence is practically undeniable, well as undeniable as just about anything this human sees. i know i am a superstitious peasant, always have been, always will be, it is part of my DNA. i also know that the balance i seek comes from that admission and allowing myself to see the rational, provable part of what my life looks like today. me FEAR comes from “caving” to the irrational and inexplicable part of human existence. just for today? just for today, i will walk with a bit of FAITH and attempt to see the “good” instead of living in the “bad.”

∞ DT ∞