Blog entry for:

what i cannot do for myself. today, the biggest thing i cannot do for myself is stay clean. i accept i lack the power to stay clean on my own and that i NEED to ask for and accept that power. from the POWER that fuels my recovery. i could go all in and repeat what i have said in the past about that POWER and whether or not it has any human defined attributes. yes i could, but i choose not to, what i will say is that in my way of looking at things spiritual, the POWER that fuels my recovery, exists in a place beyond words and need not be reined in by my limited human understanding. if receiving the power to stay clean on a day to day basis and having the opportunity to get everything i need, is loving and caring, so be it.
life on two legs and in recovery is interesting these days. as the pain of my little procedure finally begins to relent, i develop a cold. not surprising as to the shock my system has been going through and the resources i needed to devote to healing and fighting back an infection in one of the wettest and dirtiest orifices in the human body. what did surprise me, however, was my reaction to taking prescribed pain medication the other night. living in the real world today, i get that i did surrender and get some relief. i also get that IF i ask for the power to stay clean, one of the gifts i receive is the ability to stay clean. i also felt a bit cheated as when i took that medication, the three times i felt i needed to, i did not feel anything save for the relief of my pain. now i kind of understand why those who are “around” the rooms whine so much about recalculating their clean time when their desired outcome, namely getting high, did not come to pass when they chose to use. part of me, and i am being honest here, wanted a freebie. here i was using a medication as prescribed for a real medical condition, so where was the euphoria and escape that i once derived from substances of this nature? all i got was relief from my physical pain, even though i believed i was entitled to so much more. certainly illustrative of addiction being alive and well within the person i am becoming. no “supreme” recovery for this addict, just grinding it out day by day.
the other notion that has popped into my head is the bit of a kerfuffle caused by one of my peers, who fancies themselves as having SUPREME recovery. they speak of their recovery in a very public manner and actually seem to make a living out of being the SUPREME addict in our recovery community. being someone who loves self-promotion myself, of course that sort of behavior repulsed me from the beginning. over the past few days, he has outed a bunch of my peers on FaceBook by adding the to a very public page tied to specific substance addiction, after all opioid addiction and its attendant consequences have finally started to appear on white-bread America's radar. they are finally waking up to the notion that BIG PHARMA is creating a class of permanent customers and their great experiment create more deaths than homicides. so what does a self-promoter do? they make a public FaceBook page and add all the members of the local fellowship as followers, so they can cash in on the misery of addiction and enhance their reputation as having SUPREME recovery. makes perfect sense in the world today, why not make money or a name for yourself on the misery of others, as that is certainly the easier and softer way. after all, we have a president-elect who did just that, unite the miserable and deplorable under an umbrella and cash in on the FEARS, UNCERTAINTY and DOUBT of those who were in the middle and had to hold their nose as they cast their ballot for him. ah but i wander astray.
today i have a POWER that does for me, what i cannot do for myself and i have FAITH that if i allow that POWER to work in my life, everything will turn out as it is supposed to, which is the only thing i can HOPE for today. it is a great day to be clean and certainly one that i will allow myself to be more than just another abstinent addict, i will allow myself to thrive in a living and active program of recovery.

∞ DT ∞