Blog entry for:

of spirit is not what i feel this morning. worry and concern for my Dad still dominates my waking thoughts and kept me tossing and turning last night as i tried to let go and fall asleep. as a result, i am not the sharpest knife in the drawer this morning and will need to consciously respond, rather than react to the slings and arrows of daily life. it is ironic that this morning, after meeting with one of the men who call me their sponsor about the THIRD STEP, i am writing about the THIRD STEP.
i could go into the long story about how i came to find a POWER that i can trust to care for my will and my life, but that has all been said and done. i do not recommend to anyone to spend fifteen years struggling with accepting what they know in their hearts is true, for one second longer than they need to. for me, that was fifteen years of trying to look like my peers, at the detriment to my spiritual growth. the discord between what i wanted and what i needed is certainly a prime example of self-will stretched to its limits. i can slap myself around for struggling through all of that, when all it would have taken, way back when, was an admission that i was never going to find a loving HIGHER POWER following the conventions that were part of my upbringing. when i have mornings, such as this one, i can fall back on that journey and reinvest in my FAITH, that no matter what, nothing is fVcked.
looking at how empty i once was: dead inside, oblivious to the world around me and seeing my parents as a money spigot, it certainly is “miraculous” where i find myself these days. i am present and i feel, sometimes too much, the pain that is being expressed in the world today. i wonder what will happen to all of those who bought into the lies of Number 45, when they realize that they have been played for fools and drained of their emotional resources for a sham and con-man. i know that i have been “had” in the past, buying into a scam that was supposed to enrich my life and ending up broke and embarrassed that i could fall for such a simple ruse. my motive in that was to turn something of little value into something tangible and in hindsight, i can see that if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is not. although i did not invest a whole lot of esteem in those scams, i still felt stupid and angry at myself. today, i have forgiven myself for wanting more and getting duped into believing that i could generate something from nothing.
as i prepare to step out into this blustery morning, i can carry with me the FAITH that i am being cared for by the POWER that fuels my recovery and my worries about the health of my Dad, may or may not be overwrought. for me, just for the next eight hours, i have to let go of my expectations and just do the next right thing.

∞ DT ∞