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...that i can trust has been always something i did not understand. first off what i thought love was and how i practiced it colored my perceptions. i now realize now what i called love when i got here could have many other labels on it; hostage-taking, abuse, co-dependency, selfishness and sexual gratification. the last thing that i wanted was GOD to love me in the same manner i loved when i got here, so i played lip-service to the whole "loving" HIFGER POWER concept hoping that in my heart of hearts what i knew of love was wrong and time would correct my understanding. so of course trusting in and building FAITH in such a force was very low on my priority list. i am totally blown away that i stayed clean that first year at all. the miracle is that i have remained clean since i finally made my first REAL 1st STEP admission that i am an addict, i suffer from the disease of addiction and that fact will persist until i die. my first sponsor guided me through the steps with the grace and finesse of a lion-tamer and even though he may not realize it, i allowed him to be my HIGHER POWER for quite a while. i learned to trust him and had FAITH that he loved me without conditions and had my best interest at heart. an offshoot of this belief is that when he said jump i said how high!
silly as that may seem to me today, it worked and by the time i finished Step 5, i had learned that, that man was merely a tool of a loving GOD, and it was through that man that i found the HIGHER POWER that i still feel today.
i have no doubt that GOD is loving today, and that i can be angry, pissed-off or even resentful at GOD and i will still be loved. the decision to walk this path on a daily basis is mine and mine alone, but i get all the POWER i need to stay clean everyday.
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS ASK!
∞ DT ∞