๐ป i needed more ๐ป
Posted: Wed, Jan 28, 2026 10:46:39 AM
than simple abstinence to be able to truly be present for the people in my life. unlike some of my peers, i was not surprised that it took a very long minute for those few folks i had left in my life, to start to trust me again. i had shafted them more than once, whether they knew it or not. i had been duplicitous and disingenuous as i did my best to keep the lanes of my life highly separated: work -> family -> using. when they got too close, i totally freaked out and even though i used with family members and some of my peers from work, those instances always contained constraints. moving through life as three separate persons was more than taxing and time-consuming, as it was hard to remember who i told what and how i behaved in each instance and my three “personas” were even confusing to me.
coming to find myself as a single person has been the most poignant part of my recovery journey. the my personas merged into a single identity early on, but living under the lie i created did little to allow it to actually show up for those in my life. the process of coming to find out who i really am, did not kick in, until my last FIFTH STEP and is still an ongoing process. as i grow more comfortable in finding out who i am, what i really like and where my passions lie, i am becoming someone that can be trusted and on whom my friends, family members and peers in recovery can depend.
as i am finding my days off from work more valuable than attempting to fill those hours with a gig economy job. yes, i know i need to be more than little prudent about my spending, if i choose to continue down this path. for right now, i am living comfortably and mostly worry free. time will tell if i can continue down this path, but i am paying attention to what i desire, what i need and where i may need to make alterations in my habits and luxuries. being a part of my life, instead of a victim or an observer is, IMHO, living the spiritual principle of fidelity in an active manner. i am learning that all that i may think i know, id just a tiny slice of what i probably need to know and just for today, i am open-minded enough to make the corrections needed to adjust my path and continue me self-awareness journey.
coming to find myself as a single person has been the most poignant part of my recovery journey. the my personas merged into a single identity early on, but living under the lie i created did little to allow it to actually show up for those in my life. the process of coming to find out who i really am, did not kick in, until my last FIFTH STEP and is still an ongoing process. as i grow more comfortable in finding out who i am, what i really like and where my passions lie, i am becoming someone that can be trusted and on whom my friends, family members and peers in recovery can depend.
as i am finding my days off from work more valuable than attempting to fill those hours with a gig economy job. yes, i know i need to be more than little prudent about my spending, if i choose to continue down this path. for right now, i am living comfortably and mostly worry free. time will tell if i can continue down this path, but i am paying attention to what i desire, what i need and where i may need to make alterations in my habits and luxuries. being a part of my life, instead of a victim or an observer is, IMHO, living the spiritual principle of fidelity in an active manner. i am learning that all that i may think i know, id just a tiny slice of what i probably need to know and just for today, i am open-minded enough to make the corrections needed to adjust my path and continue me self-awareness journey.
∞ DT ∞