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or powerfully hidden defects? one way speaks to the relative strength of the defects that are still hidden the other speaks to the lengths that the part of me i call my disease goes to keep them hidden. either way it is a losing proposition for this addict, my secrets will kill me. i have often said that i have yet to die of a feeling and that is true, HOWEVER, shame is the one feeling that today still has the power to make me want to die. in the religious tradition i was brought up in, shame is part of the culture, at least in this addicts not so humble opinion, although they also had a means to expiate the shame that was loaded on each member. the wonderful thing about the fellowship that gave this whole new life, is that the only one who can load shame on me is me! everything is set-up for me to identify my miscues, missteps and downright nasty behaviors, and i am encouraged to share that discovery with another addict, or many addicts if i really need to. i am of the school of thought that if i do not want to see my exploits on the front page of the local rag, that i do not share all of my stuff in an open meeting and this is a slippery slope that must be mitigated. the part of me i call my disease can slide down this slope into the oblivion of active addiction in just a blink of the eye if i do not take the steps necessary to get rid of my shit! and here is where my program comes back to my life! i have developed the capacity to trust other members! i will tell my sponsor everything after all at least one person needs to have the whole picture! and i have also developed trust in other members who i have come to respect and love. they may not know all the gory, twisted details of my life, but i keep them apprised as to how i am doing today and share what i need to so they may see what and why i feel that way. i came into the program loaded with fear of others and myself and slowly i have learned to trust and become open with those i need to. and as a result my hidden secrets do not remain hidden for very long nor do they have the power to destroy me with shame. and for this addict trust is the lifeline that keeps me clean!

∞ DT ∞