Blog entry for:

of my defects, i must uncover them and share them. sick as my secrets, ah yes, my mantra when i am trying to drum up the courage to be totally honest about something that i have hidden. it is true, i hate to look **bad** and yet i always feel better when i have nothing to hide. there exists within me this dynamic tension that is always seeking to upset my serenity, tell all, or tell nothing. this internal and seemingly eternal shifting of yin and yang within me, sis more times than not destructive, as i tend to favor keeping my shite on the down-low. just like Casa Blanca, i do not want my secrets being aired in public and would love to have the cajones to kick out anyone in my life, that might ask tough questions or pull the covers off my bed, as the saying goes. there is no FREEDOM of the press when i am dealing with the stuff i would rather not have revealed.
or at least that is what the undercover part of me shouts with all of its might. the desire to be free of my defects is much quieter and steadier, more like a river that is flows rather than a tempest that rages. i am more than certain, that part of me, barely survived active addiction and because i am so familiar and comfortable in the storms of denial, rationalization and justification, i just missed feeling what was going on, back in the day. it is not like all of a sudden i got clean and i suddenly desired to tell the truth to every living soul. no, hiding who i was, and being someone oi was not stuck with me, for quite some time. oh, i could blame addiction, or culture or come up with other excuses, but sitting here today, i was not ready to reveal myself to anyone, and the desire to become who i was, instead of playing at who i was not, was a long time coming.
that process is still ongoing, and as i walk through the TWELFTH STEP and see what it is that i may be missing in this set of steps, i see that being and showing need not be two different processes. day by day, i am certainly becoming better at showing who i am, being as it were, rather than acting a role. i am also certain that “missing” is not the correct term for where i am today. perhaps, it is that i am looking at the tempest and forgetting the steady stream of the river, and i need to allow myself to just be.
for anyone hoping to read some tasty tidbit of salacious knowledge today, i am sorry to disappoint. these days, i need not shock and awe anyone and the juicy bits i share with my sponsor. i can say this though: the scared and angry little boy who walked into recovery, is starting to finally grow up and face the responsibility that comes with the progression of spiritual growth. that petulant brat will never die, and i am grateful for that, but he is becoming part of the whole that is me. no longer need i separate my pieces for special treatment, no matter how much they scream and whine, that is part of coming to be, at least for me. i am more than just the sum of my parts, but the only way for me to become whole, is to allow those parts to find their place within. those past that i may believe to be defective, have their place in the person i am becoming and allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery, to change them into what they need to be, seems to be one of the goals i have developed for myself today. just for today, there is no scret life of Don to report upon, but who knows what tomorrow will bring.🌀

∞ DT ∞