Blog entry for:

that i am only as sick as my secrets. sometimes i do not believe it, after all, i am not as SICK as others, so this cannot possibly apply to me!
there is NO SECRET there. the part of me i call addiction does all that it can to separate me from the the fellowship, one day at a time. over the years, i have come to see over and over again, that although i may have a secret or two, living day after day, clean, somehow has changed me enough that my secrets do not really matter at all. i seem to have come to believe that there is an advanced mode of living in recovery, especially when i comes to comparing myself to the man i once was, when i finally decided after 13 months clean, that I DID belong and that I DID have to do what the members who were here did, IF i wanted to stay clean.
that man, was loaded with shame and keeping all of what caused that shame form the view of others often seemed to be my sole motive for each and every day. that man, however, has learned to live a program, has shared his deepest, darkest and most shameful secrets with another person that man, has put his past into perspective, has an active program of living one day at a time and knows just enough about himself and the recovery process, to be dangerous. just like that newcomer, who walked into the rooms presenting an air of superiority and arrogance, that man today, is just as close to his next use, as that man was way back when. readings like the one this morning, remind of who i am, regardless of how much clean time i have. i am an addict, first and foremost. currently i have no secrets that i have not shared with my sponsor, close-mouthed friend, or even in a meeting. all of that aside, this reading does apply, because i am still an addict. i still fall back into behaviors, that may be considered shameful and worst of all, i can rationalize and justify them away, with a flick of the wrist, as i know what i NEED to do. that attitude is not only dangerous, IT WILL KILL ME, if i allow that belief to persist. being reminded of that fact on an annual basis is a good thing for this addict and as a result will make me interact with others as an equal today and not someone who knows.
with that in mind, i need to write a letter and get moving, i have a ton of stuff to get done over the next 48 hours. and you know what, the secret to getting it all done, is not to stress about it, allow myself to go with the flow and best of all, not beat myself up, if i do not quite get it all done, after all tomorrow is another day.

∞ DT ∞