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i share them with another human being. my secret this morning? i made a deal with myself, that i would drive to Boulder if i missed the 6:30 bus. the truth? by the time i got to the park and ride i was already so frustrated that i knew i would let RTD be my chauffeur no matter what. so here i sit, moving towards Boulder, totally disengaged with the road, thinking about what i heard this morning.
which almost brings me to the point, after a chaotic 72 hours, spiritually speaking, i am starting to feel acceptence and a bit of empathy for those others who provided the excuse for me to dive into the lass than savory part of my inner self. the amazing part is, at no time, did the desire to change my feelings rear its ugly head, which for me signals more than just a tiny bit of growth. where does all that leave me this morning? quite ready to pick up the pieces of my shattered illusions and put them where they belong, in that world of “could ofs, should ofs and what ifs.”
seeing this day in a new light, i am glad that i did not allow my frustrtion to take over and decide to slide over to work, after all, i lacked a cigar for what may have been quite a lengthy commute. what i actually lacked this morning was the desire to deal with the reality of what that drive would have meant, slick and slow. so as i sat and attempted to listen for the voice of the POWER that fuels my recovery, more than a few ideas popped into my head, among the foremost was what secrets am i holding on to that cause me to feel shameful. the theme of the weekend has been, i will be who i am, to everyone round me and i would no longer enable anyone else to skate, because of my silence or tacit action to protect their appearences. yes i angry, sad, confused, and most of all i wanted to blame someone else for taking a friend back into active addiction. all because of the sudden and quite heinous death of another friend. the truth is, that an addict is always arm's length away from using, and hiding in the shadows, trying to save face, and reconcile behavior that is not part of a program of active recovery, will take out any addict. i am hopeful that someday, those friends who are out, may find what they are looking for and end up back in the rooms, as i am more than certain that they are like me, addicts to the core. pride and ego, would prevent me from coming back, and those who i am thinking of this morning are driven by those two demons as well. the lesson i take away from the events of the past 3 days, is that unless i come clean, about what is running around my head, i too, will join the ranks of the fallen and start my spin down into the spiritual oblivion of active addiction. i can take a bit of pride, yes i said it, in the fact, that although i DID not want to feel, all i used was TV to numb those feelings and as the hours and days passed, so did my desire to escape into a place of not wanting to feel. the remarkable part of the weekend, is that in the midst of all this addiction angst, i got to join in a celebration of an addict with a quarter century clean, and there was so much clean time in that room, that my HOPE and FAITH in the path i am walking upon, was restored.
so in closing, i feel relaxed this morning and certain that the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, is for me to stay clean, which means doing the next right thing, for myself and for others, and letting the chips fall where they may.

∞ DT ∞