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to use meetings to share the intimate details of my life. that is not to say, however that i share fluff and flutter, because i like the sound of my own voice. there certainly is a happy medium between those two extremes. as my first sponsor told me, way back in the wrong fellowship, anything i did not want to read about in the paper was better left unsaid in a meeting, and better shared with someone i trusted. back in those days, i trusted no one, so that left me with only him, to bare my soul to. building trust, was a very slow process, back in those days, and because none of the stuff i EVER shared with my chain of sponsors, got repeated at meetings or anywhere else, i learned that i could trust, and more importantly be trusted. i have NEVER revealed to anyone, the specifics of what the men who trust me, share with me. i have more than once shared in a very general way with my sponsor, some of their stuff only IF i was having trouble dealing with it. for the most part, what they shared is going to the grave with me, and i have heard a whole bunch, since i started coming around.
that general rule — share what i need to — even the deepest darkest parts of me, with someone i trust, has been a lifesaver for me, as recent events within my local fellowship seem to indicate.
yes, i still have a few issues with trust, that “keep it out of the paper” meme still applies to this day. and amazingly even after a few days clean, i still have a secret or two that i have only shared with a few souls. what does that leave for me to share about? well at one time in my recovery, not a whole lot. these days, all kinds of stuff. just because i will not provide all the gory details of what is causing some crisis or upheaval in my life, does not mean that i do not share about the effect it is having on my and how that affects my life. i NEED to let others know that things are not quite right, even if i cannot or will not share all the gory details. they do not need to know that so and so, sh!t in my dinner, but they do need to know that i am a raging insane person, ready to take the nuclear option against such a heinous act, and destroy that bad actor. without violating the trust of someone else, i can share and get rid of my reactions and feelings, arising from such an incident. you know, as i type this, i realize that as much as i claim to the contrary, it is beginning to NOT be all about how i look, twenty-four seven. i am starting to be okay with others seeing me for who i really am. i need not twist everything to the unicorns and rainbows side to be okay. i can allow myself to see the dark and yes cynical side of life and still be okay with walking that path. which right here and right now, takes me down to Broomfield for another day of gainful employment. it is a good day to be clean and yes, keep a secret or two from those who trust me.

∞ DT ∞