Blog entry for:

if discovered, would cause me shame? if i am uncomfortable sharing some details of my life in meetings, to whom do i turn? i have found the answer to these questions in sponsorship. so is this reading about sponsorship or is it about the garbage i carry with me from active addiction. the title would suggest the latter while the content suggests the former, so what is really important, is what i think it is about today. this is after all, my little piece of the internet, my domain, and one of the few things that i actually have a bit of power over.
so what is up today? well this addict is starting to feel a bit road weary and ready for some changes in my life. my life in service has been wonderful, but, last night, at the meeting, the thought crossed my mind that all i needed to do was go out and have a beer, and there would certainly be major changes in my recovery, like having to let all my sponsees go, having to attend ninety meetings in ninety days, having to resign from all my service commitments and having to find the humility to identify myself as a newcomer once again.
the nuclear solution so to speak, and as i pondered the consequences of what that particular decision would wreak in the rest of my life, i decided that perhaps i was more than a bit unwilling to suffer such a permanent and painful solution, to what really is a short term problem -- namely how i am feeling about life in service. those feelings will pass, my service life will change as i complete my current commitments, and no matter what anyone else thinks, i am grateful that my term in this phase of my service life was only four years. what brings up that particular thought was something that was said to me the other day, namely that it was the opinion of another addict that this particular service to our fellowship should be doubled. then they had the audacity to say that they had been on the conference floor, as if one trip to the floor even begins to match the experience of living through this four year commitment. when i made this commitment, i did not believe i would ever be sitting here anxiously waiting for it to be over and yet here i sit today, grateful for the experience but ready to be done.
so am i any worse for this particular experience? no, my life is richer and i have grown-up as a result of this experience, and i would encourage anyone with the slightest bit of interest to step into this position. and even though, idle thoughts come and go, i can see that the solution for this addict is not to use, no matter what. my life is far to precious today, to throw it away on a whim. that fact demonstrates how far i have come from where i was way back when. the HOPE is that i am able to think through what the consequences are for using the nuclear option and make the decision that just for today i will not. and that is exactly what i am thinking today.
so there you have it, i guess this ended-up being about a dirty little secret and sharing it with the cyberworld.
BTW my sponsor and i have already talked about this train of thought as it is not the first time i have gone there, and each time we have spoken about this he reminded me that what i was seeking, and what my real intent was, was not to be done with service, it was to be done with recovery, and when i went here to remember what i have been given as a result of the recovery process. so off to face the real world and get some things done.

∞ DT ∞