Blog entry for:

my secrets and releasing the power they may still hold over me, is more than just an homage to those peers, who have been in recovery for longer than i have. for me, the secrets that i uncovered and released in my last FIFTH STEP allowed me to become someone i am proud to be. as i get ready to complete my step goal for today, i am ruminating on what i heard shared at my home group today. i can tell that one of the men who happen to call me their sponsor, will probably never reveal all the darkness that his past holds. it is my hope that he did so with his last sponsor, so those skeletons do not come back to haunt him. i know that i am grateful i found the ways and means to release my past, instead of saying that it is past and cannot be changed, the emotional and spiritual strain of holding on to what i attempted to suppress for years is gone and i GET to move out from under the lie of the story i told myself that i once believed was protecting me from harm. i now know that instead of protecting me, that story kept me sick and in a very dark place.
moving on, i am beginning to wonder if my newest sponsee is willing to do whatever it takes and i have not even sat down with him, yet. i had decided that those who are incarcerated would never again be sponsored by me, until they were out in the streets. apparently my resolve did not hold and now next Wednesday evening i will be sitting down with him, seeing if i can build some sort of relationship. over the past two days, every time the notion of what that relationship may be has come bubbling up to the surface, i have let it go and put a bit of FAITH into the POWER that fuels my recovery. i am not someone who believes that “everything happens for a reason,” but i do feel a bit of force from outside of me, propelling me into once again, working with men who are not free. as a result, i may consider what this is about and rebel against the idea or decide to let i t go, let go of my expectations and see what comes, part of that just “is,” i attempt to live in these days.
maybe, just maybe, i am right where i am supposed to be and since i have not received a text or phone call from my HIGHER POWER, going with the flow, getting my work project and taxes done and being okay with what i can accomplish today is just what i need. i guess i can walk the dawg, take a breath and see what the rest of this day brings me, who know it may be a nap and not computer work, or maybe all of the above, just for today.

∞ DT ∞