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do i turn, when i need to divulge my secrets? for me, some of the time it is a group of addicts attending a meeting, others a closed-mouth friend and when push comes to shove, my sponsor. the one secret i am carrying today, however, can be revealed here and now. i am seconds away from firing my first sponsee. in the past, it has generally been me that was fired, through relapse, lack of interest or personality conflicts. i accept that as part of being human. i have also suggested that a sponsee seek a new sponsor, closer to where he lives, because i felt i was not being the “best sponsor” in the world for him. this morning, i am nearing the point where i feel i am wasting my time and resources. the only reason that i did not fire that sponsee last night, was that i allowed myself to be manipulated into not doing so. i take responsibility for allowing that to happen and i do need to allow my feelings to settle out, before i take action, but based on my last few interactions, i see little HOPE for remaining in this relationship. to be honest, i have never met an addict who says they want recovery, be so resistant to actually committing to doing the work.
moving on, i have to admit that i bailed on a meeting yesterday, because i could not stomach all the magical thinking that was being shared. i really, really tried to get past what i thought i was hearing and i booked and headed west for another meeting, just because that is something i am committed to doing these days. BTW a commitment is not a promise, as i texted a peer this morning, who threw a line from our printed word at me. my commitment to my recovery program begins each day, most of the time before my feet hit the floor and continues until i lift my feet from the floor in the evening. because i have been so roiled with anger, bitterness and resentment, i have made a commitment to attend three to five meetings a week. i have made no promises to anyone, even my self and i am not about to pull out the “addict” card that allows me to say one thing and do another. part of my commitment to myself is that when i say i am going to do something, i do my level best to accomplish that task, knowing full-well that some of the time, i may fail to do so. there is no shame in falling short, the shame for me, is to not even try. the good news is that i have three meetings under my belt this week, but still am going to attempt to find another one today.
as i prepare to allow this to be posted on the internet, i finally have put the conversation of last night behind me and am in a spot of acceptance and serenity. i can sit on my hands for a few more days and allow the dust to settle. i can write my FOURTH STEP inventory and be ready to see my sponsor next week. i can complete the tradition work i am doing. i can do some more skill training. most of all, i can make a commitment to being a better person that i was yesterday, through living an active program of recovery, mere abstinence is no longer a satisfactory state of being for this addict.

∞ DT ∞