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only as sick as my secrets? well as the old tried and true saying goes, if i had a nickle for each time i heard that, i would be rich. as a matter of fact i am, rich with the reminder of that cliché being permanently branded on my addict mind. i like to think that keeping secrets can save my life, because they did way back when i was using. in active addiction, hiding what needed to be hidden, allowed me to use for far longer than i normally would have been able to use. the dark underground side of me, allowed me to present to the world the face i needed to present, in order to do the things that i needed to do. that need sometimes arises in me for all sort of ulterior motives, like needing to find affection acceptance and approval from everyone i happen to run across in my day-to-day activities. to make matters even worse for me, i especially have this NEED when i am in the company of others in recovery. there is absolutely no hope in any of that, i know that to be true, as the saying goes, except that this NEED to hide the shameful or what may appear to be shameful things from everyone does not arise all that often. when it does i have my sponsor on speed-dial to let me release what is going on inside.
quite truthfully, there is not a whole lot going on in my life these days to cause me shame, and my so-called shameful past has been put into perspective and is being dealt with through my program of active recovery. i NO LONGER OWN SHAME! when i am in that mode, there need not be secrets in my life, i can be open and expressive as i need to be. that does not mean i share every sordid detail of my life and thought patterns with every person who happens to cross my path. i have come to accept that for me a bit of circumspection goes a long, long, way.
the reading does not tell or even suggest that i change that behavior, what i heard is that i NEED a path to be rid of my secrets and for me that path is 303… when i follow that, i am certain that any of my so-called secrets are losing their power over me.
how am i doing today? well after a rough evening at my home group last night, very well. what was going on inside of me, was that i did not want to be there. i could not stop the hanging judge from discounting what the others were sharing. most of all i had the desire to share that is was all a bunch of bullsh!t and fluff. what did i do? i kept my mouth closed, and i bolted as soon as i could get out the door. because i chose to keep my trap shut, i do not have to go do any of the corrective portion of my Tenth Step, which is something that i am truly grateful for, as i hate to admit that i was wrong. i knew last night, when i did my Tenth Step that the problem was not them, it was me. although i do not know what was going on inside of me, i am not really concerned, as the next time it happens, i can be present for it, now that i recognize it as an internal process and not the reaction to the behaviors of others. so the clues will come, the discussion with my sponsor will follow, and i will get that much better granted that i keep practicing the principles of recovery actively in my life.
so it is off to do a bit of work, perhaps a morning in a smoke-filled room and let me see what i can accomplish today.

∞ DT ∞