Blog entry for:

of my life in meetings is something i am very circumspect about. ironically, here, i share some of the juiciest bits in plain and open view, for the anonymous masses to consume. for some reason, i feel safer pounding out the **wholer** truth here, where i cannot see the reactions of my peers, than at a meeting where i know at 99% of those who are attending. i do confound some of my peers, by sharing what is happening today, instead of what it was like way back when. they also seem a bit put-off, as i share about my current struggles rather than in bright, shiny, unicorn “pink-cloudish” manner. here i feel safe to drop a bomb or three, and in truth what was once upon a time, my quest for fame, has turned into an exercise where i get to broach the boundaries and actuality say what is on my mind, with little or no editing for mass consumption. not that any of that is some sort of secret, shock and awe sharing is part of who i am.
i know i have written before about how i tried to rattle the old-timers' cages when i first got clean, just to shake this party up a bit. that behavior has continued until the present day, in more ways than one. i am not one of those who share often, in fact, if i share at more than a couple of times in a week, than i there is something going on. i know when i dropped the bomb that i was working through a HUGE reservation last Monday night, i made some of those in the rooms uncomfortable. there is a certain thrill i get, pushing those around me, out of their comfort zone, which again is no secret. there are enough of my peers, who choose to share the “rose-coloured” glasses version of long-term recovery, that some days i feel the NEED to add a bit of FEAR, UNCERTAINTY and DOUBT, into the mix. my motive for that, is to let those in the rooms know that staying clean, while it is its own reward, does not necessarily mean that one's life begins to look like a Hollywood movie, where the good guys get to ride off into the sunset after defeating and vanquishing the evil that abides in the world. the fact is, despite my struggles with the notion that long time abstinence should bring advanced recovery, i stay clean and do what i have always done —— live the program to the best of my ability.
today, i have my powerlessness inventory done, and although i considered doing a drive by to my sponsor's home group, i may yet again change my mind. my dirty little secret here, is that i do not DESIRE, to dive intro another round of steps, even though i know i NEED to do so. as this day progresses, i will see where i end up and planning an outcome, even for myself, is hardly the best thing to do, in any sense of the word. so my secret is out and how i live with that fact will remain to be seen. i am clean today and am living a program of recovery, so just for today, i will let all of that go and be okay with who and what i am.

∞ DT ∞